


Desperation

by when_the_silence_ends



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:05:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4196628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/when_the_silence_ends/pseuds/when_the_silence_ends
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is more to the magic that saved young Harry Potter Halloween night than anyone realized. If it had not been for the day eighteen year old Harry Potter auror in training went to investigate a case of strange magic in Godric's Hollow and found both his parents alive and well after seventeen years of being dead, then no one would have been the wiser.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One - Panic - Lily

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to say a few things right now about this story.
> 
> It won't be too terribly long, most of this fic is focused on the emotional aspect of the reunion. This won't be the kind of fic where they run into each others arms happily at first sight. There will be some humor and happy feelings in this fic but it'll also have many other darker feelings too.
> 
> I'm sorry for those of you who are looking for a fic where more than just his parents return, this won't be that kind of fic. It'll stay pretty canon.
> 
> That's about it.
> 
> Thanks for reading, enjoy.

 

  **Desperation**

* * *

**Part One:**

_ Panic  _

_July 30th 1999 - Friday -_ _9:00 p.m_

Lily

* * *

 

The sun was setting over the small graveyard in Godric's Hollow, turning the small town into a sea of purple and pink. The air was heavy with a strange and cold magic; it was so thick even the non-magical folk felt it. The wrongness of the magic made the townsfolk twitchy, so most chose to stay indoors and away from the center of town where the magic was the thickest. It was nearly August and the temperature was high, unusually so this summer. Tonight even more so. All of this kept everyone indoors and unaware of what was about to occur. Everyone, but the aurors investigating the surge of strange magic in that area.

 

As the sun set the magic reached its peak, and the sky lit up in a blinding flash of light. Seconds later, when the light died out, Lily Potter nee Evans took a breath for the first time in nearly eighteen years. The strange magic clung to her like a second skin, making her own magic surge around her. Lily’s eyes opened slowly, they were terribly dry and she couldn't see a thing. Greedily, she breathed in air that tasted stale. The more of it she breathed, the harder it was to take another. Her pale hand tried to reach up and rub at her sore eyes, only be blocked by something hard covered in a fraying silk cloth. It was then that she remembered the events that lead up to her death. Her eyes widened as her breath quickened, with each breath it became increasingly hard to breathe. 

 

_ "Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!" _

 

She remembered, even if she wished she didn’t, turning her back to her husband with her baby boy in her arms. He didn't have his wand. She realized as she barricaded the door of Harry's nursery and picked up one of Harry's small toys to make it a portkey. Only then she realized she didn't have her wand either. They’d gotten complacent, so sure in their security. In Peter Pettigrew. He betrayed them. Now her husband was dead and she and her son were sure to follow. Harry cried out pulling Lily from her thoughts. The door burst open and she dropped Harry into his crib and faced  _ him. _ She spread her arms wide with only the thought of protecting Harry keeping her strong. Her husband was dead. Lily knew this as soon as the charm broke and the door burst open that James, her brave,  _ brave, _ husband would be killed protecting them. She too, would die protecting her son, Lily told herself that if that was how she died she wouldn't mind. As long as he lived, she'd be fine with dying here. 

 

Lily did die. She remembered it clearly, the high voice that hissed ‘ _ avada kedavra _ ’ and the flash of the green spell which she didn't even flinch away from or it would hit her son. And as his mother she'd never allow Voldemort to kill him. She would die before she let anyone hurt her son. She didn't look away from her killer in fear as the spell hit. She defied the horrible man standing before her even as she took her last breath.

 

If her mind had been clearer she would have questioned what she was doing alive inside her coffin. But Lily was scared and she was not thinking rationally. She was only thinking of taking another breath. She was starting to suffocate and it was causing her to panic again. The magic around her reacted to her heightened emotions and with a muffled pop dirt and wood flew up and away from her. She saw the night sky, the stars, for the first time since she went in hiding. Her lungs greedily drank in the fresh air. Heavy tears fell down her cheeks as she lay there, in both relief, because she was alive, and in despair because her husband and son were not.

 

_ James! Oh I can't be alive without him! It’s not fair!  _ She thought as she desperately crawled from her grave and to his. Her hands desperately dug at the grass as she cried and cried his name.

 

"James!" Lily repeated over and over again just above a whisper, her throat was too dry; her voice couldn't be any louder. "James!" 

 

The magic which had revived her and still clung to her listened to her desire and brought life back to James Potter. Lily who was unaware of the magic working around her was still attempting to dig him out. 

  
"James! Please James! I  _ need  _ you!" 

 


	2. Part One - Panic - James

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part One:**

_ Panic  _

_July 30th 1999 - Friday -_ _9:00 p.m_

James

* * *

 

James Potter opened his eyes to darkness. Something wasn’t right. He knew that for sure, but at the moment he couldn’t think too much about it. James tried to move in the almost intangible darkness and realized he was in something small, he couldn’t move his arms more than an inch in any direction. Worst of all the air was stale and he knew that there was not much of it.  _ Don’t panic.  _ He told himself as he tried to grasp the situation. He was taking deep breaths in and out his mouth slowly, trying to figure out where he was and why he was there. His mind was foggy and his thoughts were jumbled. His breath caught in his throat as his thoughts shifted in place and his memories lined up. His mind flew to Lily and Harry, had they died? Hadn’t he? If he had died, which James was sure he did, then why was he alive now? This was a frightening train of thought, and he started to panic.  _ What is going on? _ He thought and he started to feel lightheaded. His magic which had been stirring around inside him exploded outwards as he was close to unconsciousness. Dirt and wood flew outwards, knocking back Lily who was still attempting to dig him out with her bare hands.

 

"James!" Lily cried desperately, crawling her way back towards him.

 

His eyes moved from the sparkling stars to Lily, a warmth in them as he pushed himself up towards her. "Lily, my love." James's throat was just as dry as hers, but he didn't focus on it as he was too busy wrapping his arms around his beautiful wife.

 

His beautiful  _ breathing _ wife.

 

He was beyond glad that she was alive and in his arms. The last he remembered was the high and cold laugh of the man who came to kill his son and the flash of green light. He knew now that she had died too, how else was she there in the afterlife? Because that's where they'd had to be, there is no way they could truly be alive. There was no way to raise the dead, James knew that, or he thought he knew. Everything he believed to be true shifted in that moment. As he took in his surroundings he realized belatedly that he was in fact alive, even if it went against all he knew to be true.

 

He held Lily closer to him and she to him. The married couple sat there in between their two disturbed graves, wrapped in each other's arms for a good fifteen minutes just enjoying being alive before they thought of their son. With wide eyes they pulled apart as the panic, and other intense emotions dropped to a more manageable level. 

 

"Harry!" They said together and looked at either side of their respective headstones for his. When they found none baring his name they shakily got to their feet and embraced again. 

 

"He's alive!" James cried happily.

 

"Dumbledore must have come in time to save him." Lily said after a moment of compilation. 

 

They shared a knowing look and moved slowly on their stiff legs through the cemetery, past the kissing gate and around the church to the road. Lily's eyes fell to the center of the small village square first. 

 

"That wasn't there before." She said pointing to what looked like a muggle war memorial. "James how long have we been..." 

 

"I don't know." He replied sharply, not be able to stomach the thought of being dead. He grabbed her hand and led her across the street, as they got closer to the obelisk memorial it transformed before their eyes.

 

“It’s magical.” Lily blurted in fascination.

 

James stared in awe at the statue of the three of them; him, Lily and Harry who was cradled in his wife's arms. They stood there for a moment in silence before either of them spoke. 

 

"The house, we should go to our house." James suggested and so they went.

 

They passed the old pub and turned into the dark street leading out of the village; they passed many lit windows on their way to the cottage at the end of this row of houses. They knew that route by heart as they had taken it many times before they went into hiding. Many of the familiar houses they passed had changed over time. This made James’ heart heavy.  _ How long were they gone? How much had they missed?  _

 

They stopped in front of their old home, and something went cold inside of James. This wasn’t the home he and Lily picked out. That home had been small but had character where many of the houses on the street did not. This place however, was not their home, not anymore. The lawn and shrubs were way overgrown, and pieces of rubble lay hidden in the grass. While most of the small cottage was still standing the right side of the top floor had been blown apart. Lily stared at the gaping hole in shock because that’s her son’s room. James gripped her hand a little too tightly, his thoughts in a similar place as hers. 

 

"I wonder why the muggles never rebuilt it." James said after a long moment. 

 

“Who knows…” Lily mumbled, and stepped forward. “Lets just go inside, and see…”

 

James nodded, and moved down the sidewalk to the front gate, as he stepped forward and went to open the gate. A sign rose from the ground like a flower; neat golden letters on the worn wood read: 

 

_ On this spot, on the night of 31 October 1981, _

_ Lily and James Potter lost their lives. _

_ Their son, Harry, remains the only wizard  _

_ ever to have survived the Killing Curse. _

_ This house, invisible to Muggles, has been left _

_ in its ruined state as a monument to the Potters _

_ and as a reminder of the violence _

_ that tore apart their family. _

 

Around the gold lettering, many wrote in everlasting ink of all colors. Some were just names but most of the things written were messages to their son. James stared at a particular message that stood out more than the rest: If you read this, Harry, we're all behind you!

 

Tears fell from his eyes, as he reread the message in gold. His son survived the killing curse. Voldemort had used it against his son. He wasn’t sure what was more horrifying. 

 

"Oh, Harry!" Lily cried burrowing her face in his shoulder as she started to sob. He held onto her tightly, feeling as if the world was just taken out from under him.

 

Four loud pops filled the silence a few minutes later as four people apparated around them. One of whom could have been James's twin.


	3. Part Two - Confusion - Harry

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Two:**

_ Confusion  _

_ July 30th 1999 - Friday - 9:30 p.m _

Harry 

* * *

Harry was used to the strange and impossible, with his luck chances were that he was involved in it. At this point in his life, he honestly thought there wasn’t anything that could surprise him anymore. Now that Voldemort’s reign was over, Harry was looking forward to some normal in his life. Unfortunately for Harry, normal was not in his cards- or tea leaves. And once again, his odd luck showed itself and Harry once again found himself in a strange and impossible situation.  

 

His day started out like any other work day, he woke up a few minutes before eight and spent most of his time before he left for work being mothered by Molly Weasley. She already had a plate with food spilling off the sides ready for him on the kitchen table. Arthur Weasley was already seated at the table, the morning paper in one hand and a fork in the other. He looked up when Harry walked in, but his attention was mostly on whatever he was reading in the paper.

 

“Good morning Harry!” Molly said cheerfully, as she set a steaming cup of tea next to his breakfast plate. “I hope you slept well.” 

 

Harry had already finished his first serving of eggs and sausage by the time Ron sleepily took his place at the table. Ron muttered something Harry figured was a “morning mate” but he couldn’t be sure because his mouth was full. The only sounds in the house for a few minutes were the sound of dishes washing themselves in the sink, the creak of the floor in the living room where Hermione was pacing and the rustle of the paper as Arthur turned the page. Harry couldn’t help the dopey smile on his face, because it sounded like home. 

 

The silence was broken by an annoyed sigh from Arthur who’d just turned another page of the paper. There was a touch of scorn in his voice as he said, “You’ve made the paper boys. Your evaluation is apparently big news.” 

 

"Arthur, they’ve been mentioned in the paper since the anniversary." Molly remarked tiredly as she took a seat next to her husband. 

 

No one in the room needed her to elaborate on what anniversary she spoke of. Two and a half months ago, the wizarding world gathered to celebrate the first anniversary of end of the war and Voldemort’s reign. The press seemed to forget that the anniversary was a day of mourning to those who fought in the war; and since the public remembrance ceremony the Daily Profit had been writing about Harry and the family nonstop. None of it was like the articles written by Rita Skeeter, however most of what was being written held little to no truth. It didn’t surprise Harry that they found out about his and Ron’s evaluation, but it did annoy him greatly. 

 

"It’s starting to really annoy Harry." Hermione observed as she walked into the room. “Not that I can blame him, especially with that article last Friday.” 

 

Hermione had finished eating before Harry even came downstairs, and had just came in from the living room where she had finished reading her copy of the Daily Profit. She handed the newspaper to Harry, who had just sat back down after bringing his plate to the sink. Now that the paper was handed off she started rushing about making sure she had what she needed for work With a satisfied grin she placed her purse on the table and pulled on her jacket as she prepared to leave. 

 

"Good luck luck today Harry." She said with a smile and she ruffled Harry’s hair as she passed him.

 

Ron followed Hermione back into the living room where they shared a private goodbye before she left. Harry had already finished skimming through the paper when Ron came back into the kitchen.

 

“There anything worth reading in the paper?” Ron asked, motioning to the folded paper in front of Harry, who shook his head in the negative. “Thought so.” 

 

Molly who got a good look at the time started rush both her sons- because Harry was as good as one of her own it didn’t matter that they didn’t share any blood- so they'd make it to work on time.

 

It was during the first few months after the war that Harry realized that he already considered the Weasley's as his parents. They may not be his birth parents and they would never replace them, but they were parents to Harry when he had none. Honestly, he’d be far worse off if it were not for Molly and Arthur who’d been looking out for him since Ron first wrote home about his new best friend Harry Potter. They were there for Harry through thick and thin and they never failed to make him feel like he was loved or that he belonged. They were family, and in the end that’s all that matters. 

 

"How's she doing?" Harry asked Ron who had a small frown tilting his lips down as he looked off into space. 

 

Ron sighed, and replied, "She misses them and she blames herself.” 

 

It had been about two and a half years since Hermione did what she felt was the best way to keep her parents safe by using a memory charm to make them forget her. Their absence had been hitting her rather hard these last few weeks. Especially because she’d lost track of where the couple had moved from where Hermione had originally left them, and their current location was still unknown. 

 

Molly frowned and patted Ron's hair down a bit and said quietly, "Of course she misses them Ron, they're her parents." 

 

Ron gently pushed away his mother's hands and stood up to put his plate in the sink. Harry weathered Molly’s fussing before he followed Ron into the bathroom to brush his teeth. The pair made their way into the living room where Arthur was finishing saying goodbye to Molly. 

 

"Good luck in your evaluation boys.” Molly said as she pulled both Ron and Harry into a hug goodbye.

 

The rest of the morning and the afternoon was spent filling out and sorting stacks of paperwork. Both Harry and Ron had to wait to for an event that needed them onsite for their final evaluation. They had already been waiting for a few hours, and Harry was starting to get impatient. If they both passed their evaluation they would be considered junior aurors and would no longer be considered auror trainees. It was nine o'clock and Harry was trying and failing to not fall asleep, it didn’t help that Ron was snoring away at his desk. The sun had just set and Harry was groggily staring up at the clock on the wall and counting down the minutes until his shift was over, he was already expecting to have to wait until tomorrow for the evaluation. It was fifteen after nine when a blue paper airplane flew by his head, clipping his ear as it passed, startling him out of his half asleep stupor. Harry threw a chocolate frog box he found on his desk at Ron to wake him as he watched the memo he knew was from the Department of Mysteries fly into the office of the head auror. A few agonizing minutes later the head auror stepped out of her office memo in hand and went to speak with her second in command. Another blue airplane came whizzing by Harry's head not even a second later. 

 

"Potter, Weasley, get over here." The second called, his shout waking Ron who fell back asleep. Ron stepped up next to Harry as he reached the second’s desk. He wiped his hands on his robe, straightening it out in the process, trying to ignore his sudden bout of nerves. Ron stood next to him, hands loose at his sides. 

 

"Time for your evaluation boys. The unspeakables were notified of a burst of strange magic at these coordinates,” Misty, the head auror started to speak, only pausing to point to the coordinates written on a blue paper that was the second paper airplane. “We will apparate to the coordinates and survey the area and see if we can find the cause. Harvey and I will be shadowing you and we will only interfere if you need our help. You should be fine as long as you do as you've been trained. As you know depending on how well you do during this investigation will decide whether or not you'll move up to a junior auror." 

 

Misty, was a halfblood witch who was a seventh year at Hogwarts during Harry and Ron’s first year. Harry didn't know her before he started his auror training, which was surprising because she was a Gryffindor prefect. She had been made head auror only a month after Voldemort's defeat, and she was exactly what the department needed. While her more delicate appearance made her look like a demure little lady, she was probably one of the fiercest and skilled witches he knew. She’d never scare Harry as much as Hermione. Molly or Professor Mcgonagall though.  Harvey, her second reminded Harry of his godfather, or how everyone said Sirius was like before that Halloween night, because he was charismatic and had a reputation as a heartbreaker but was someone you knew would have your back. Personally, Harry believed Sirius Black was a much better wizard than Harvey could ever dream of being, but that was neither here nor there. 

 

"Remember the apparation coordinates." Harvey said handing the blue sheet of paper to Harry, who then passed it to Ron. "We'll walk just outside the anti-apparition wards in the atrium and then apparate to those coordinates together. Once there your evaluation will have officially begun. As long as you do as you've been trained you should do well enough. Don’t quote with me on this, but this is more of a formality, you two have more than enough experience, but we have regulations to follow." Harvey finished speaking with a smile and a thumbs up. 

 

"Alright let's get goin’ boys, we're wasting time!"

 

Misty herded the three men under her command to the ministry's atrium. Ron who had been so nervous the day before walked swiftly and confidently ahead of the group, leading them to the lift with his head held high. Harry followed his best mate, his nerves eased by Ron’s confidence. He was deeply relieved that Ron found the confidence in himself that Harry believed should have always been there. Ron really was an amazing person and an even better friend, especially when he got over his jealousy and insecurity. 

 

"Come on Mate, get out of your head." Ron whispered as he nudged Harry in the side with his elbow. 

 

"Sorry." Harry muttered back, his mind back in the moment, not a moment too soon as the lift doors opened. The atrium was packed with ministry employees who were leaving, the work day over. Ron and Harry reached a respectable apparation point, and waited for Misty and Harvey who got separated in the crowd. Half a minute later Misty and Harvey broke through the crowd and were ready to leave as well. After a nod from Misty they all turned on their heals and apparated. 

 

If Harry had known that the coordinates would take them to Godric's Hollow, he may have been more prepared for what he'd see. Of course the whole situation was a once in a lifetime one, but he might have been a little bit more prepared for it. At first Harry didn't realize he was at the old cottage that was his home for the first year of his life, he had apparated with his back to it, and had to gain his bearings; He always felt queasy after apparating. Once he realized where he was and his brain processed the two people in them he nearly lost his lunch. He had definitely not been prepared for this. Then again, who was prepared to see their dead parents standing in front of them apparently alive. 

 

Harry never imagined he'd ever see his parents in person, or well, alive. He'd seen pictures of them, and even saw their silvery, ghost like forms through the resurrection stone but didn’t portray the actual living things as they were now. His mother was even more beautiful in person, and she looked so young, painfully young; her eyes more strikingly familiar than he could have ever imagined. Harry was surprised to notice that her eyes were not the only physical feature they shared. They both had a light dusting of freckles on their cheeks, both had elf like ears and they both had a small mole on their chin. His father was more of a mirror image of himself then he truly realized, the lines of their faces were the same, both their skin held a healthy caramel tone, and their hair was the same curley, inky mess atop their head. At the same time he was picking out their similarities, the differences between father and son were clear too. Harry’s eyes were wider and his lips smaller and thinner. His father was taller, his shoulders wider and his eyes were a comforting hazel. Harry swallowed back the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him in that moment and locked eyes with his best mate. He needed to focus, he had an evaluation to pass, formality or not. 

 

Ron's eyes had widened as he looked from his best mate to the man and woman in front of them. He could see that Harry was struggling to stay calm. His eyes had widened slightly, his breath had quickened and his wand hand was tenser than usual. He hoped that that their superiors wouldn’t dock him for the emotional loss of control on his evaluation, especially because this situation was unusual. This was just one of the many things on his mind when he blurted, "Bloody hell Harry, he could be your twin!" He wanted to hit himself for saying that, but after noticing Harry relax, he forgot his embarrassment. 

 

Harry reigned in his emotions, his gaze shifted from the two people that were a wearing his parent's faces, to Ron. He chose to believe they were not who they looked like until he had some proof. He wasn’t sure he could deal with this if he believed anything else. After finding his resolve he subtly nodded towards Ron. He couldn't help the small smile that graced his lips at the comment Ron made. There was magic in the way his best mate was able to reassure and strengthen him with an admittedly tactless comment. Maybe it was because it was Ron, and he knew he’d be okay with him there. Now considerably more calm and focused but not any less confused Harry spoke.

 

"I'm auror Harry Potter,” He paused, stumbling over his name. “This is my partner Ron Weasley, we're investigating a case of strange magic, we were given coordinates of it’s source, which led us to you. We would like to detain you and ask you some questions so we may further our understanding of the cause and we'd prefer it if you'd cooperate with us from this moment on." 

 

"I must ask for your permission to side-along apparate you to our office, which is located in the Ministry of Magic. That is where we’ll ask any question we have.” Ron added after giving the couple time to process what Harry said.  

 

"Who are you?" Harry asked a second later, a tad harsher than he should have, and then he said more nicely, “We need your names so we may formally ask for your permission.” 

 

James looked at the young man that was unmistakingly his son, feeling like his heart would beat out of his chest. His son was all grown up, and he looked so much like him; he could see Lily in their son as well. He was mapping his son’s facial features when their eyes locked. He was surprised by the coldness in the eyes locked with his. Unable to stand the coldness in those familiar green eyes, he looked away, and focused on his wife you was shaking in his arms. She seemed to be in shock as she stared at their son, tears were falling down her cheeks; she didn’t even try to wipe them away. Harry shifted slightly under her gaze, the face of the watch on his wrist reflected the light from the dim streetlight a few feet away. He stiffened, caught unaware by the surge of possessive jealousy that rushed through him at the sight of the watch, this caused the woman in his arms to tighten her grip on his hand. He couldn’t help the darker thoughts from crossing his mind. “ _ Someone else gave my baby boy a watch. That my job.”  _ These darker thoughts didn’t last long, they were soon replaced with more rational, level headed thoughts. It didn’t mean that those feelings, irrational or not went away. 

 

"My name is James Potter." James spoke up after a minute or two of silence. 

 

"I’m his wife, Lily Potter." Lily said after him, her voice steadier than she felt.

 

"I'm afraid I don't believe you." Ron said rather rudely, knowing he may be docked for it, but not finding it him to care. "James and Lily Potter are dead, they have been dead for eighteen years." 

 

"I know that! But somehow we both woke up alive in our coffins not too long ago. We are who we say we are even if it doesn't seem likely." Lily said sharply, showing signs of her famous temper. 

 

"We will willingly go with you and allow you to properly identify and question us." James added, his eyes searching for those of his son. 

 

A very confused and emotional Harry Potter did as he was trained, his actions almost robotical. They were able to swiftly detain the couple, who chose not to fight the two armed wizards. Harry stepped forward and held his arm out for his mother while Ron did the same for his father. After confirming that Misty and Harvey were ready to leave, they turned on their heal and apparated away. When they arrived at the ministry, into a small room outside interrogation rooms used for situations like this, they immediately got the couple situated into separate interrogation rooms. They sent for the required paperwork and personal. After quickly gather the proper information and getting the necessary potions, Harry and Ron stepped into the room where the man claiming to be James Potter was seated at the table in the center of the room and got to work. 

 

Two emotional and confusing hours later the interrogations were finished. Interrogations that lead to more questions than answers. However, they were able to confirm that by some miracle the couple was indeed Lily and James Potter. 

 

Harry couldn't have been more confused in his whole life than he was then. He asked himself countless of times as he finished his paperwork that night how it was possible for them to be alive. He found himself questioning many other things that night as well, but it was not these obvious queries that bothered Harry the most. It was that after many years of wishing his parents would return to his side, that when the impossible wish came true, he had wished it was Sirius and Remus that had returned instead.

 

 


	4. Part Three - Pain - Harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crap, I swore I had this posted already. I feel so bad because it's been posted on FF for awhile now. I hope you still enjoy!

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Three:**

_ Pain _

_ July 30th 1999 - Friday - 11:30 p.m _

Harry

* * *

Harry spent longer than he needed filling out the incident report regarding the case of strange magic in Godric's Hollow. Ron, who had to fill out his own report, took his time as well, though it was more for Harry’s benefit than his own. There was a lot Ron could have said to Harry about the resurrection of Lily and James Potter, but he chose to stay quiet about the topic. Harry was thankful for his best friend’s insight, because he was too unstable right now to have that conversation. Unfortunately, it would have to be had sooner than later.  

 

Once both of their reports were on Misty's desk, and junior auror badges were pinned onto their work robes, the two overwhelmed young men flooed home. Molly and Arthur were sitting in the kitchen waiting for them with a fresh pot of tea, eager to hear the results of their shared evaluation. Arthur, who had visited the two of them during his lunch hour, was beyond curious about how the rest of their night went. The couple had heard all kinds of stories about the kinds of things people encountered during their evaluations, and were expecting nearly anything, however, nothing could have prepared them for the retelling of the events that took place that night. 

 

"Did it not go well?" Molly asked, misreading the look on their faces. “Sit down and have some tea and tell us about it.”

 

Harry shared a look with Ron, they both were unwilling to be the first to speak about it. Mostly because they didn’t know how. Harry sighed, feeling tense and wishing for the comfort of one of Molly's warm hugs. As if she could read his thoughts, or more likely the look on his face, she hugged both him and Ron, her worry could be felt through her embrace.

 

"Did you not pass the evaluation?" Arthur asked with a confused tit of his head. 

 

"We did,”  Ron looked to Harry, unsure how to go on. “But.. well..” 

 

"My parents," Harry choked on the word. "There isn't exactly a better way to explain this, but they were somehow resurrected. We don’t really know how, I figured we’d go talk to Professor Dumbledore’s portrait about it soon, but, yeah.." 

 

"Oh dear." Molly said looking faint, and sat down in a chair with the help of her equally dumbfounded husband. 

 

Harry ran a frustrated hand through his hair and dropped down onto one of the kitchen chairs. Ron had already sat down and was resting his head on his arms. No one spoke for a long moment, all too wrapped up in their own troubled thoughts, to hold up a conversation. However, there was still more than needed to be said, so Harry shook himself from his thoughts. 

 

Harry cleared his throat before saying, "We took them to Mungo's, to see if they were okay and whatnot, the healers said there was nothing wrong with them, beside some minor magical exhaustion."

 

He stopped talking so he could gauge Arthur and Molly's expressions. Harry wasn't too sure they were listening to him. The only emotion he could read from their faces was shock which was to be expected. It took him a minute to find his voice again, his inability to read his surrogate parents expressions unsettled him more than he wished it did.

 

"I've been named their temporary guardian while they adjust to, well, everything.” He pauses to gather his thoughts. “They can’t stay at Mungo’s, and since I’m their guardian they have to stay with me, but since I'm living with you guys until I find a flat, I thought it would be best to ask if they can stay here until we have more time to find them a better place to stay.." 

 

"Harry," Arthur began after sharing a look with his wife. "Molly and I don’t mind if they stay here for a few days while you figure something out. We won’t let you deal with this on your own."

 

Molly got up from her chair and started to do what she does best when stressed: taking care of her family. She poured both Harry and Ron a cup of tea and pushed the steaming cups in front of them. She then poured herself a cup, stirring in some sugar and honey, before saying, “Really, it's fine Harry, you should know we would do anything for you," She sipped from her steaming cup of tea, watching him carefully. "Drink and relax before you pick them up. I assume you'll be using the floo." 

 

She continued to rattle on nervously while Harry drank his tea. It did help him relax, as much as it was possible considering the situation. He could feel a breakdown coming and he tried to focus on Ron's heavy breathing. He latched onto the familiar comfort like it was a lifeline, as everything he was feeling swallowed him up.

 

Hot and sticky tears built up and spilled from the corners of his eyes, sticking to the lenses of his glasses. He pulled the metal from his face and tossed them away in a small fit of anger. His head fell forward and hit the table with an audible thunk as white noise filled his head. Emotions, which he alway felt so strongly, seemed to devour him. Harry's magic swirled around him protectively listening to his subconscious plea to be protected. The magic was warm, too warm and it made him sink into himself and push the magic away. The tea cup near his left ear exploded due to Harry's now unstable magic. The spray of shattered glass and hot tea started Ron awake, who jumped up from his chair only to slip and fall onto the kitchen floor. The redhead looked up at his parents who were trying to comfort his crying best friend in shock. Ron never thought Harry would cry in front of his parents, that was usually something he reserved for when he was alone with Hermione or himself. 

 

"Mate, you’re okay." Ron said quietly, reaching out to place a hand on Harry's leg to comfort him. "I'm here."

 

Ron continued to talk, saying nothing of importance, instead just talking to give Harry something to focus on. This helped calm Harry, and after a few more miserable minutes he stopped crying. The pain was still there, but for a moment anyway, it wasn’t so unbearable. Molly handed him a handkerchief she summoned to wipe his face with, while Ron handed him his newly repaired glasses. He was putting them back on when they heard the fireplace flare up as someone flooed in.

 

"Man today was stressful--" Hermione's sharp voice floated in from the open door. She stepped into the kitchen and stared at the occupants of the room in subdued curiosity after noticing Harry's tear stained face.

 

"Harry, what’s wrong?" She asked after pulling him into a tight hug that relieved the tension in both their shoulders.

 

"I'm fine," He rephrased his answer after a knowing look from the burnette. "As I can be considering." 

 

Hermione raised an eyebrow, her shrewd eyes searching the room for any clue to what was going on. Harry and Ron shared a look, silently agreeing that Ron would be the one to tell her everything. They both knew Harry wouldn't be able to even if he tried at the moment.

 

"'Mione, you might want to sit down for this." Ron said as he pulled out a chair for her. 

 

After seeing the unsure look on her face, Molly agreed, "Please Hermione, sit." 

 

"Okay." Hermione agreed quietly, looking to Ron for answers. “Okay, I’ll sit.”

 

Harry looked at his feet as Ron spoke, telling her what Harry had told the Weasley's. Rehashing it like this made it seem more real. He wasn’t sure why it hurt so much, but it did. The kitchen had fallen silent just as it had before. It took a few minutes for Hermione to be able to speak, but even then all she seemed to manage to say was 'oh' repeatedly. 

 

“It’s getting late, I can go get your parents for you Harry.” Ron offered, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder. . 

"I don't think I'm ready." Harry admitted quietly, not a second later, leaning into Ron’s side. “But I don’t have a choice, do I? I’ll go, just, stay with me?”

 

"Of course Harry." Hermione said matter-of-factly. "Always."

 

Harry could have stayed hidden away in the safety of the Burrow’s kitchen and no one would have blamed him for it. He could have let Ron pick up his parents and face them later but he didn’t; his parents, who died for him, were waiting for him. A look of what only could be pain showed on his face for a fleeting moment before it was gone, replaced with a look of determination. He may have been afraid to face them, but he was more afraid to disappoint them. His body straightened as his resolve steadied. Harry took a deep breath, took one step, took another steadying breath, then took another step forward. 


	5. Part Three - Pain - James

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Three:**

_ Pain _

_ July 30th 1999 - Friday - 11:30 p.m _

James

* * *

"I told you, I’m fine!" He said for what felt the hundredth time since his son-  _ his adult son _ \- and his superiors had left him and Lily to the healers at St Mungo's.

 

"Mr. Potter, will you please stop moving, you're only going to make this take longer, so please stop moving!" One healer exclaimed as he ushered James into the examination room where Lily was patiently waiting on the examination cot.

 

"Really, I'm fine, just let me go see my son." He argued, trying his hardest to get around the healer so he could leave. It didn’t matter that he didn’t know if Harry had returned to work, or if he went home, wherever home was, James just wanted to see his son. It didn’t matter that his son was now an adult, and he didn’t know anything about him, he wanted to have his son in front of him where he could see him. The last time he saw Harry, James was terrified that he’d die. And he died believing that the little boy that looked just like him with his mother's eyes and called him papa while smiling up at him with his crooked and toothless smile would be taken from the world. That’s why he’d been fighting the healers since the moment he was transferred from his son’s care, to the healers’.  

 

The healer gently pushed James so he was seated on top the second examination cot in the room. “James, I understand you want to be with your son, really I do,” The healer’s said slowly. "I'm also sure that he’d rather have you returned to his care one hundred percent healthy, and we won’t know if you are if you don’t let us examine you." 

 

James opened his mouth to protest but no words came out. He found himself suddenly overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions that his brain couldn't process anything else. Since he stopped fighting the healer was able to cast a few simple diagnostic spells on James. To James, the feedback from the spells was nothing but a confusing bunch of overlapping colors of varying shades, but to the healer it was something he could understand. This was something that always impressed James, even now. Something so familiar when everything felt different helped him find some peace.

 

"Greg, make sure to scan for everything you can think of and more, it won’t hurt anything, this situation is so unheard of we don’t want to miss anything." The woman who was examining Lily said as she drew blood from Lily's arm and directed it into a vial with her wand.

 

"Yeah Anne, I will, just as long as he lets me." 

 

"Is she okay? Is my wife okay?" James asked, the wide eyed expression on Lily’s face worried him. 

 

"She'll be fine hun, she's just in shock." Ann answered quietly as she pulled a blanket over Lily's tense shoulders. "Now stop fussing and let Greg do his job Mr. Potter."

 

He sighed loudly in protest but listened to the old healer's advice and settled down. The healer immediately went to work and the room fell into a busy silence. The sound of rustling of fabric and the hum of conversation a few rooms lulled James into a meditative like state. Sometime later someone came in and spoke with Anne. He was only partially listening to the conversation, so he almost missed it when Anne mentioned his son. 

 

"Merlin, if he had given me even half the trouble Harry did I would have throw him out." 

 

“I would have loved to see that.” The other voice replied cheerfully. “If he’s anything like his son it would’ve been funny.” 

 

Time seemed to warp and his perception of everything around him shifted at the sound of his son's name. The emotions James had just barely been holding at bay overwhelmed him. His breathing turned rapid and heavy, a light pink flush warmed his cool cheeks, and his vision blurred from tears. He was hyperventilating, black dots obscured his vision and he feared he might pass out, so he tried to slow his breathing. Tears ran down his cheeks, and James couldn’t stop himself from letting out a choked sob. His whole body shook with the next, and the many that followed. 

 

He had died, and he couldn’t explain just how empty that made him feel. Merlin,  _ he died, _ he died and left his son to grow up without him. 

 

His son was all grown up, he missed every milestone, every father-son moment,  _ everything _ , and that hurt so, so much.  

 

James shook as the tears fell, his hands gripping the sheets under him tightly, doing his best to breath under the weight of his aching heart. He had never felt this low in his entire life and he didn’t know if it was possible to live after feeling something like this. 


	6. Part Three - Pain - Lily

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Three:**

_ Pain _

_ July 30th 1999 - Friday - 11:30 p.m _

Lily

* * *

 

_ Harry. _

 

_ Harry. _

 

_ Harry. _

 

Lily couldn't focus on anything else, the view of her grown son had stopped her whole world in it's tracks. She hardly remembered waking up in her own grave, he whole focus was on her son. Her baby boy who wasn’t much of a baby anymore. She didn’t know what she she was feeling, and she couldn’t focus on figuring it out. Her brain kept switching between her consciousness and reality, only staying in each for seconds and it was never enough to let her adjust to the situation. The world around her was unfocused and she couldn't seem to focus on anything, she hadn’t been able to since she saw her son. The image of her grown son in auror robes was really the only thing she could somewhat focus on. 

 

Lily wanted her son. She wanted him to be in front of her. He may not be the baby she remembered, and that hurt, but he was her son. She had never been this far from Harry since she gave birth to him, and that hurt too, just differently.  

 

She missed out on so much of Harry’s life and now he was all grown up. Lily really couldn't handle that right now and everything shut down into a unidentifiable mess of emotions. One minute she'd feel too much at once and she felt as if her body would be ripped apart from the pain. Not even the cruciatus curse had hurt her this much. Then the pain would ebb away and she'd go numb and her body would ache all the way to her bones. And she’d feel so empty, so, so empty that she barely felt like she was breathing. Just when it felt like the emptiness would swallow her up, her emotions would fill the void. The cycle would then repeat. 

 

It seemed like hours, but it could have been days or simply just a few minutes before the worst of the shock wore off. 

 

"Ms. Potter, are you feeling better?" A healer asked from behind her floating clipboard. "You aren't feeling any ill reaction to the calming draught are you? There are some people who they don’t work right on, and I couldn’t find anything in your records that said if you were one of them or not."

 

“No, no, I’m fine, the calming draught worked okay.” 

 

The woman asked a few more questions which took Lily a minute to answer. Once the healer was done, she handed Lily another potion. 

 

“Drink this, it’ll help with the magical exhaustion.” 

 

There was a knock on the door, another healer peaked his head in, waving over Lily’s healer. They exchanged a few quiet words before they both left. Lily took this time to observe her husband. He looked worn out and unsure, Lily was sure she looked the same to him. They looked at one another uncertainty, not sure how to even approach the topic they both wanted to talk about. James held his hand out between the two cots and Lily gladly placed her own hand in his. It helped anchor both of them. The door opened and Lily’s healer stepped back in. 

 

“Greg are you finished?” She asked from the doorway. “Potter is here to pick them up.” 

 

“Yes, I’ve done all that I can think of. I’ll be in my office Ann.” Greg answered, stepped around Ann and disappeared around the corner. 

 

“Are you two ready to leave?” Anne asked, eyeing them carefully. 

 

James squeezed her hand tightly before saying, “Yeah, I mean, yes.” 

 

“Alright, follow me, your son is waiting by the main floo entrance.” 

 

Lily stood with James’ help. After making sure she was steady on her feet, they followed the aging healer out of the room. They didn’t go far, just down two hallways and out a door. Harry was standing by the floo, the redhead from earlier was by his side talking to him quietly and a skinny brunette was on his other side watching the door they just came through. 

 

“Ann, I didn’t realize you’d be the one that was looking over my parents.” Harry blurted as soon as he noticed the healer.

“At least they didn’t give me as much trouble as you did the first time I saw you. You were practically dead on your feet, suffering from exposure to the cruciatus and magical exhaustion and you refused to let me treat you. Like defeating a dark lord was an excuse to refuse medical attention.” 

 

Lily could help the horrified gasp at the mention of the cruciatus curse. She didn’t focus on it too much because her son was in front of her and obviously okay, but she wouldn’t forget it. 

 

“I wasn’t that bad!” 

 

The brunette snorted, and said scathingly. “Yes you were.” 

 

“It took Malfoy of all people to get you to see a healer. Malfoy mate,  _ Malfoy _ .” The redhead added looking disgruntled. 

 

“Anyway,” The brunette said, nudging Harry and turned her attention to Lily and James. “I’m Hermione, I’m one of Harry’s best friends, since first year actually. It’s nice to meet you.” 

 

“And I’m Ron, Harry’s best mate.” After sharing a look with Hermione, he added. “We met on the train our first year, so we’ve know each other for awhile. You’ll be staying with us at my parents so, yeah.”

 

“Really Ron, yeah?” Hermione muttered darkly. 

 

Ron looked affronted as he replied. “Bloody Hell Mione, what else am I supposed to say?” 

 

Lily couldn’t help but laugh, those two remind her much of her and James when they started dating. Harry smiled slightly down at her after briefly catching her eyes. James’ hand tightened around hers briefly, and she squeezed his hand back reflexively. 

 

“You guys don’t mind staying with the Weasley’s do you? I’ve been looking for a place of my own so I don’t have anywhere else to go this short notice--” Harry broke off once he noticed he was rambling. “You’re okay aren’t you, physically I mean, right?” 

 

James seemed to relax next to her. He let out a pleased huff before saying, “We are both okay, just have a case of magical exhaustion for the both of us.” 

 

“And we don’t mind staying with the Weasley’s.” Lily added with a wide smile. 

 

“Alright we’re flooing there, if you don’t mind.” Harry said, grabbing the jar of floo powder on the mantle of the fireplace behind him, “I’ll go first, then you guys and then ‘Mione and Ron. Floo address is ‘The Burrow’.”

 

“The Burrow, got it.” Lily confirmed with a smile. 

 

Harry smiled back at her, grabbed a bit of floo powder and handed her the jar with a small smiled. He tossed the powder into the flame and stepped forward, muttered the floo address and was gone. 

“Together?” Lily asked as she gave him a pleading look. 

 

“Together.” James agreed and grabbed a handful of floo powder. 

 

They handed the jar to Hermione, and stepped into the now green flames. 

 

James grip tightened on her hand as he called hesitantly, "The Burrow!" 

 

They both stumbled out of the fireplace in a unfamiliar room. Their tired and stiff bodies found that way of transportation nauseating and disorienting. James looked seconds away from throwing up, and if Lily herself didn’t feel the same she would have laughed at the expression of his face. 

 

"Shit." James cursed and scrambled to his feet, using Lily as a crutch. She helped him up while looking around the room. Pictures frames were scattered around the room but only a few caught her eye. The slightly ajar door to the side of the room was pushed open all the way and her son stepped out. A woman who must have been Ron's mother and a thin man who must have been the father followed him into the room. The woman stepped forward and pulled Lily and James farther into the room. She moved them to the small loveseat in the room, and gently guided them so they were sitting. 

 

“Hello, I’m Molly Weasley, wow Harry really does look a lot like you!” 

 

“You should have seen him when he was baby, he was such a papa’s boy.” James replied, smiling sadly after he finished. 

 

“Oh I don’t think that’s really changed, he really does look up to you.” The thin man said reassuringly. “I’m Arthur Weasley, I’m really happy to meet you.” 

 

The sound of the fire in the fireplace flaring startled Lily badly even when she was expecting it. Harry’s friends stepped forward together, they both moved so they were sitting together on the larger couch in front of the love seat. Harry who was leaning against the wall moved so he was sitting next to them. 

 

“I was named your- as in both of you- temporary guardian.” Harry paused, watching her carefully. “Which basically means that in the view of the law you both are underage wizards under my care. Well outside of being able to use magic anyway...” 

 

Honestly Lily was a little overwhelmed and just wanted to sleep. She also wanted to spend time with her son, but it would be best if she rested first. Especially since she was sure that they had a lot to talk about and it was already late. She just didn’t know how to tell him this. Lily was afraid to disappoint Harry by asking if they could wait to have this conversation.

 

"Harry dear," Molly said after a long moment. "Why don't we go over all this tomorrow, I'm sure your parents need some rest."

 

"It has been a rather long day." Arthur added, smiling at Harry warmly. "I'm sure it would do everyone good to get some sleep, we have a busy day tomorrow."

 

Harry's eyes widened slightly and his jaw went slack in shock. He seemed a little lost for words as his mouth opened and closed comically for a moment. He looked to Molly pleadingly, and Lily couldn’t help but feel a little jealous that he looked to her for reassurance. She did her best to shake it off, but she couldn’t so she did her best to make sure it didn’t show. 

 

" _ Merlin, _ " He said breathily, "I totally forgot. It’s my birthday tomorrow, and we have the party planned, shit I hate being a public figure..."

 

Both Lily and James froze at the mention of Harry’s birthday. The rest of what he said seemed to go in one ear and out the other. In the morning Lily wouldn't be able to recall being shown to the room they'd be staying in for the foreseeable future. When time and reality shifted back into place sometime later, she found herself sobbing into her husbands chest. The couple were cuddled up together on a unfamiliar queen sized bed. James made a pained noise and pulled her closer, resting his face where her neck meets her shoulder. They cried together as they felt the full weight of the situation. 

 

Harry had grown up without them and he had forged his own family in that time and it hadn't involved them. For a fleeting moment Lily thought that maybe it would have been best if they hadn't been resurrected; It didn't seem like Harry even needed them there. 

 

These were the kind of thoughts that followed Lily and James Potter into a night of restless sleep. 

 


	7. Part Four - Curiosity - Harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had more updated chapter on ff.net and didn't realize it until now when I went to post an updated chapter. Oops. 
> 
> Enjoy...

**Desperation**

* * *

  **Part Four:**

_Curiosity_

_July 31st 1999 - Saturday - 12:00 p.m_

_Harry_

* * *

Harry woke early the next morning. After finishing his usual morning rituals he quietly made his way downstairs and into the kitchen. Almost everyone in the house were still sleeping, so Harry couldn't help but wince each time the floor creaked under his weight. He let out a relieved breath when he made it to the kitchen without waking anyone up. Molly was already awake and seated in the kitchen talking to Kreacher. The house elf seemed to be shaking with excitement, or old age, Harry couldn't tell which. Kreacher turned and bowed to him as soon as he entered the room.

“Master Harry Potter sir, would you like me to make you breakfast? It’s Master’s birthday today so Kreacher will make sure everything is perfect for master.”

Harry smiled down at the old house elf before he took a seat at the table. “Yes, that's fine Kreacher, thank you.”

Kreacher gave a short nod in response, bowed and started with breakfast. While he was dealing with his house elf Molly had pushed a steaming cup of tea towards Harry, smiling widely when their eyes met. She had slight bags under her eyes  and Harry couldn't stop from feeling guilty, because she must have spent most of the night up worrying about him and his parents. After taking a calming sip of tea, Harry focused most of his attention on her.

“Good morning!” He greeted warmly, but after a second added. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh Harry, it’s alright, now let's not talk about something so depressing. It’s your birthday today!” Molly replied as she stood from her spot at the table. “I’ll be outside helping get everything set up for tonight, if anyone needs me that’s where they can find me.”

He nodded, and watched her back as she left out the back door; letting himself relax now that she was gone. He kept replaying the events of last night in his head, but he wasn't really processing them. Kreacher set a plate of crepes and fruit in front of him as he finished with his first cup of tea. The elf was quick to refill his cup. Harry was finishing off the first crepe when  Hermione and a half asleep Ron stepped into the kitchen.

“Happy birthday Harry!” Hermione exclaimed and then leaned down to  kiss him on the cheek.

“‘Appy Birthday mate,” Ron said around a yawn as he slumped down in the seat beside him. “Pour me a cuppa, will ya?”

Harry nodded and busied himself making Ron’s tea the way he liked it. Ron greedily sipped from the cup after Harry handed it to him. Harry basked in the bubble of something wonderful that built up in his chest as he soaked in the familiar feeling of home. He knew that this feeling here was what he used to call his patronus and he couldn't help but bask in it. A part of Harry couldn't help hoping that maybe someday his parents would be some of the people he sees as home too.

Something he could only describe as pure curiosity and an abundance of hope overwhelmed him and the shock of it almost had him falling out of his chair. Questions he never realized he wanted answers to ran through his mind. There was a dizzying amount of them but strangely Harry found the questions to more comforting than they probably should have been.

“Where’s Mrs Weasley? I planned to help her with something for tonight.” Hermione asked, pulling Harry from his thoughts.

“She’s outside with Kreacher...” Harry gasped and trailed off before adding excitably. “Kreacher! Guys, Kreacher!”

“What are you on about mate?” Ron muttered giving him _a_ look.    

“My parents and I can stay in Grimmauld Place until we find somewhere else. I can’t believe I didn’t think about it last night!”

“Oh Harry that’s a wonderful idea,” Hermione said a bit too loudly. “After all the work we’ve all put into it in the last year it’ll be perfect for you guys!”

“‘Mione!” Ron hissed as her voice continued to get louder. “Be quiet, people are still sleeping.”

“Were sleeping.” Arthur teased, as he walked into the kitchen followed by Lily and James.

“Sorry.” The younger trio said in unison.

Arthur shuddered, he had always thought that it was creepy when they did that. He sat down at the table across from Harry and gestured for Harry’s parents to do the same. They did a little hesitantly, feeling out of place the couple stared at the wood grain of the table to avoid making eye contact. The others weren't unaware of their nerves and the kitchen fell into an awkward silence. Hermione sighed loudly to cut through the tension that was filling the room.

“Harry, why don’t you tell your parents about the living arrangements you just figured out?”

“Oh yeah!” Harry exclaimed and smiled widely at his parents. “I completely forgot about it last night but we all can stay at Grimmauld Place until we can figure something else out. You guys don't seem comfortable here, and I want to make sure you guys can adjust...”

“Isn’t that Sirius’ family home?” James asked, his lips turned down in disgust.

“It was,” Ron answered his voice full of amusement. “Though you wouldn’t be able to tell now. Padfoot’s mum must be rolling over in her grave--”

“Ronald!” Hermione said indignantly. “Don't speak ill of the dead!”

“‘Mione, she was a right old witch-"

“Ron!”

Harry couldn't help but laugh, at both the look on Ron’s face and at the situation as a whole. He had probably laughed a bit harder than necessary, but he couldn't help himself. Arthur seemed to be amused as well and eventually laughed along with him. (Or more likely at him). Ron turned red and sunk down in his seat moodily. Seeing this Hermione had enough and started laughing too.

“Honestly Ron, you’d think you’d be used to Hermione scolding you.” Harry said after he managed to calm himself down. “I’m sure she does it in bed too.”

“Harry!” Hermione screeched at the same time Ron angrily muttered, “Really mate, really?”

Hermione shook her head at him, but she was smiling so he knew everything was okay. She gave Ron a quick peck on the lips and then she left to go help Molly outside. The kitchen settled into a comfortable silence; everyone was left to their own thoughts for the time being. The sound of the front door opening and closing broke the quiet of the kitchen. Then a very familiar voice called out. “I’m home!”

Harry looked up at Ron and Arthur in shock. A large smile broke out on his face. He completely forgot about his parents who were staring at him with unmasked curiosity, or Arthur who was out right laughing at him and focused solely on the fact that GInny was home.

“I thought she couldn’t get excused from training.” Harry confessed with an embarrassed grin causing Arthur to laugh harder.

“She wanted to surprise you and I couldn’t say no to my princess.” Arthur explained around his laughter.

“Merlin, this is great!” Harry exclaimed and stood up hastily as the kitchen door swung open. He had the redhead in his arms before she could step fully into the room.

“Harry! Happy Birthday!” She said happily and then after a moment added. “Now let me into the kitchen, you dork.”

“Oops sorry Gin!” He said embarrassed and let her go, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “It’s just been ages since I last saw you.”

“I missed you too, love.” She said quietly before kissing him quickly.

Ginny stepped around Harry to hug her father who had been standing a foot or so behind Harry. She let her brother pull her into a quick embrace and was just about to leave to find Hermione and her mum when she noticed James and Lily. Her eyes widened as she looked from James to Harry in shock. Her eyebrows furrowed as turned to face her boyfriend. She was a little hurt that no one mentioned this situation to her, but mostly she was confused and she was going to make sure that someone brought her up to speed.

“Harry James Potter, do you have something you’ve been meaning to tell me?” She said sternly with a hint of amusement. “Like maybe how your parents seem to be alive?”

Harry looked to Ron for support but the traitor simply raised an eyebrow judgingly and left his angry sister for Harry to deal with. Honestly, Harry didn’t know where to start to explain the situation to her but he knew he should. Belatedly he realized that maybe he should have written her a letter last night but it hadn't crossed his mind.

“If it makes it any better this just happened last night.” He ended up saying, feeling like he just dug his own grave.

“Oh, _love_.” She said her gaze softening. “I didn't mean to push you.”

After observing the Potter family for a minute, Ginny decided on a course of action. She moved from Harry’s side and went over to stand before his mother and held out her hand.

“I’m Ginny Weasley, nice to meet you.”

Lily took her hand hesitantly and replied in the same manner. After their greeting Ginny turned to James and did the same. Harry was astounded for only a minute before he was extremely grateful for the kind of person Ginny was.

“Now _Potter_.” She said, eerily reminding him of Malfoy. “Explain, before I hex you.”

Harry ran ran a hand through his hair nervously and sat down. “Well for our evaluation last night Ron and I had to handle a strange case of magic and, well, they were the cause of the strange magic.”

Ginny didn’t seem too happy with his admittedly crude explanation but she’d talk to him more about it later. Especially since James had engaged her in a conversation about her quidditch career, so she took a seat beside him and talked with him while Harry spoke with her own father quietly.

“I’ll be back down in a minute, I’m going to go change.” Ginny said after her and James’ conversation tapered off.

It was only then that Harry noticed she was still in her quidditch robes.

“You should go say hello to your mother first Ginevra.” Arthur suggested before he exited out the back door.

“She can wait five minute dad.” Ginny yelled after him, and left the room herself.

Harry watched her go with a dopey smile on his face. Ron punched him on the shoulder and gave Harry one of the looks he reserved for moments like this. Raising an eyebrow at his best friend Harry punched him back. The two boys both looked ready to wrestle but Lily’s soft voice interrupted the impending roughhousing.

“She’s very beautiful Harry, and so sweet too.”

Harry blushed, his mouth opening and closing in his attempt to say something. James coughed in an attempt to hide his laughter at the sight of his very embarrassed son. Harry found his stomach boiling with that pure and untamed curiosity he felt earlier. His head spun with all the things he wanted to know and ask, while his mouth dried preventing him from uttering a single word. His heart seemed to speed up as a warmth that was a bit uncomfortable spread from his chest to his toes. The loudest question in the endless tornado circling in his head was: Do they still want to be a family? The force of it was almost unbearable.

James suffering from his own inner struggles blurted, “You’ve fallen victim to the Potter curse of falling in love with headstrong women.”

“I think Sirius mentioned something about that, or maybe it was Remus.” Ron said thoughtfully and shoved Harry playfully. “It was during fifth year if I remember correctly. Sometime before you made Cho cry with your shitty kissing.”

“Ron! It had nothing to do with my kissing!” Harry sputtered, red faced again. “It was because Cedric…”

“Ah mate, you know I’m just joking.”

“I know, I know,” Harry paused, his expression turned mischievous. “Won-Won.”

Ron sputtered, “Harry you and Hermione promised to never speak of that again!” He rushed forward and tackled Harry. They wrestled on the floor for a good few minutes before they broke apart laughing madly. Ron sat up and helped Harry do the same. They then both used each other to get to their feet. Both were out of breath from their roughhousing. Lily and James both watched this in amusement, curious about the jokes the two boys shared. Sharing a look the couple burst out laughing, making the two boys shift their gazes to them.

“They remind me a little of you and Sirius.” Lily told James not intending for the two boys to hear, but her voice carried.

“Really? Is that how it looked like when Padfoot and I messed around?” James asked, his eyebrows pulling together. “I can see why you used to tell at us to be careful.”

The group fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes afterwards. Soaking in the warmth of each other's company. James and Lily were starting to become a welcome presence to Harry. While they still may be little more than strangers to him, he was still happy that he had this chance to get to know them. His parents were having similar thoughts about their son, but you’d never guess by the stillness of their faces. Ron was off in his own world, probably thinking about his plans to ask Hermione to marry him in the near future. Ginny came back down to the kitchen to find everyone silent, she found it unnerving.

“Harry, I’ll be outside if you need me.” She said giving him a quick kiss before walking back out of the kitchen.

Ron sighed and stood up himself. “I should go help too, they bloody well are going to need it since we’re going to have half of the wizarding word here in a few hours.”

“There won't be nearly that many people Ron!” Harry called after him. “At least I hope not…”

He turned to face his parents, not sure what to do now. His hands itched to do something so he pulled out his wand and started twirling it around his fingers. Lily watched him do this for a minute, soaking in another one of her sons habits. This one particular was one he shared with his father. She nearly had a heart attack the first time she noticed him run a hand through his hair. He had looked so much like James it was nearly unbelievable, especially because he wasn't around James to pick it up from him.

James watched him too, his eyes widening as he came to a sudden realization that he and Lily didn’t have their wands. Awkwardly clearing his throat before he asked, “Do you know where our wands are at?”

Harry’s head snapped up and he shook his head no. “They might be in my vault, we can go look if you’d like, we have a few hours before the party starts and I’m sure it’ll be better than sitting around here doing nothing...”

After he trailed off Lily spoke. “Oh, I didn’t even realize…”

“Uh,” Harry licked his lips before continuing. “If you want to we can wait until you guys adjust...”

“Oh no that sounds like a great idea son.” James said, surprising him and Harry both when he called him son.

They looked at each other and shared a smile. It was something small but it was something more important than anyone-- including themselves-- would have thought possible.

“Alright let me tell Molly where we’ll be then we can floo to the Leaky Cauldron.” Harry acknowledged and went to tell Molly they were leaving.

He was back a short moment later smiling widely. He seemed excited to go and do something which James had appreciated. He was getting a little cooped up already and a trip to Diagon Alley was a perfect solution. Harry herded them into the adjourning room and pulled a jar from the mantle above the fireplace. He held out the jar to Lily who took some powder and threw into into the flames. 

“Diagon Alley!” She called and was whisked away. James followed after her, and was nearly pushed over by Harry a second after he came through.

“Harry!” A man James faintly recognized called from a few feet away.

His son smiled and with a wave of his hand cleaned the three of them off. He smiled up at the man and walked to embrace him shortly. A woman came in a second later and he embraced her too. The stocky man looked at them, his eyes widening in shock. The blond woman shifted uncomfortably on her feet as she noticed them behind Harry.

“Neville it’s been awhile. Same to you Hannah. Are you two doing well?” Harry asked, his smile more genuine.

“We’re great mate, busy though. I’m amazed Minerva could plan lessons and fight a war at the same time.” Neville replied looking almost wistful. “If I realized this is what teaching entails…”

“Harry,” Hannah interrupted, though not unkindly. “Neville proposed, you’d think that would be the first thing he would tell you.”

Hannah flashed him her hand, making the ring on her finger glitter in the morning light streaming in through the windows. Neville blushed, looking away sheepishly. “She’s been telling everyone that walks in.”

“I have not! And even if I had it's only because I’m really happy. Anyway we’re about to visit his parents. we’ll see you later Harry.”

Lilly watched the couple go before she turned to Harry and asked, “Is that Alice and Frank's son?”

Harry nodded, and started walking towards the back exit of the pub. James and Lily followed, questions on the tip of their tongues. They just didn’t know what to ask first. They watched quietly as Harry tapped the bricks in their counterclockwise order and walked through the opening beside him. Harry turned his face towards them and questioned a bit breathlessly. “Off to Gringotts then?”

They walked as quickly as they could to the massive building but it was hard when Harry was stopped every few minutes by various witches and wizards. They all said the same things, ‘happy birthday’ and ‘thank you’ and even a few ‘you must be so happy to have them back’. Harry replied in a polite manner and shook their hands with no complaints. His parents watched in awe, new to his fame and a little annoyed by it too. Of course they didn't know reason for his fame was their deaths and because he had faced off against Voldemort on one or more occasions. If they did they may not have dealt with it as well as they did. Still, the public’s attention put a damper on the happy mood the three shared but it was soon forgotten once they stepped inside the marble building.

As Harry spoke with a goblin James couldn’t help but notice that they all seemed a little wary of his son. Lily noticed it too and planned to ask Harry why after they left the bank.

“Right this way Mr. Potter.” The goblin at the desk led them through one of the many doors and to the cart that leads down to the vaults. They climbed into the cart waiting on the track and sped off towards Harry’s vault. Many twists and turns later they were on solid ground again and James was green in the face. The vault was opened with a touch of the goblin’s hand. Lily nearly fainted once she took notice of the sheer amount of money her son had.

“Holy shit that’s like four times amount we left you.” James blurted his eyes wide. “How’d you get so rich?”

Harry blushed, running a hand through his hair as he replied nervously. “Well I received the entire Black family fortune and, uh, a large payment from the Ministry for killing Tom Riddle. Plus I get large donations from strangers as thanks for my role during the war. it’s quite irritating actually. I also get profit from my investments... Honestly it really doesn’t help that I get paid monthly. At least any children I'll have will be set for life if anything happens to me.”

James wanted to ask why he received the Black’s money and about the war he mentioned but he was too afraid of the answers he'd get. Though he had his assumptions, he’d rather not know the answers quite yet. It seemed Lily was thinking the same because she didn’t ask anything either.

“Okay let’s see if your wands are somewhere in here.” Harry stepped forward and started to physically search for the missing wands since summoning charms wouldn't work in the vault. After a moment Lily and James began looking too. They searched every nook and cranny of the vault and didn’t find either of their wands but they did find a box with their wedding rings inside. They took that and a bag of coins each before leaving. All three were a bit disappointed that they didn’t find the wands, but no one was too worried about it.

“They must have gotten destroyed or lost on Halloween.” Harry speculated as he hopped into the cart after his parents. Harry waited until they made it back up to the main floor of Gringotts before speaking again.

“Let's go to Ollivanders and get you new ones.”  

“Okay, let’s go.” Lily agreed.

They made it to the wand shop relatively quickly considering how many times they were stopped. It seemed that Ollivander had been expecting them because he was already behind the counter waiting. He smiled at Harry when he walked in, and then turned to face his parents.

“Lily and James I’ve been expecting you since I heard about your return.” He moved around his desk and came to a stop in front of Lily.

“Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow if I remember correctly.” He continued and started measuring her outstretched arm much like he had done for Harry years before. “Let's see if we can find you a new wand.”

Lily tried out four different wands before one chose her.

“Twelve and half inches long, cedar with a unicorn hair for a core, it should be reasonably supple.” The wandmaker exclaimed and set the measuring tape on James with a flick of his own wand.

Harry did his best to ignore the group of people who started to crowd the outside of the shop sometime before Lily found her new wand. Unfortunately it took much longer for James to find a wand suited for him. He was on about the twentieth wand when one finally chose him. By this time Harry was ready to go back home and get some rest before his party. James seemed rather ready to sit down and get away from the public as well. He hardly listened to Ollivander as he said, “Eleven and a half inches, made of spruce with a dragon heartstring for a core.”

As they were walking to the door Lily turned to Harry and asked, “What about your wand?”

“Eleven inches, made of holly, with a feather from Fawkes as a core.” Harry answered, pride clear in his voice.

They heard Ollivander mutter about how fine his wand was as they left the shop and shared amused looks and they pushed through the crowd of people waiting outside. They stopped for some ice cream before leaving the Alley after James saw a kid with a cone and insisted they get some. While they waited for their order, Lily asked Harry the question she had been meaning to ask since they left Gringotts.

“Why do the goblins seem so upset with you?” She asked quietly, so they wouldn't be overheard. “I've never seen the goblins act like that before.”

“I was wondering the same thing.”

“Uh,” Harry looked a little sheepish. “Ron, Hermione and I may have broken into Gringotts...”

His parents were obviously surprised and proceed to interrogate him about the robbery. Harry answered the few questions he felt were safe if overheard and asked them to wait until they were home for the rest. They reluctantly agreed. James finished his ice cream before they got back to the Leaky Cauldron. The walk there was again long and tiresome due to Harry’s fame. Once they made their way to the fireplace in the Leaky Cauldron the family of three wasted no time flooing back to the sanctuary of the burrow.


	8. Part Five - Longing - James

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Five:**

_Longing_

_July 31st 1999 - Saturday - 2:30 p.m_

_James_

* * *

As far as James was concerned, Harry's birthday party started much too. When they got back from their excursion to Diagon Alley, Lily had gone off to help Molly Weasley and the others set up for the party, leaving James to settle his thoughts alone. Which he was grateful for, because he needed some time to himself. He wasn't stupid, regardless of how he used to portray himself when he attended Hogwarts. So he knew- or at least was able to guess- once Harry said he now had the entirety of the Black fortune that Sirius had died.

This hurt, it hurt so much it took his breath away, knowing that he came back to life and his best mate, no his brother, wasn't here. For as long as he could remember, Sirius was in his life in some form, and now he wasn't, he couldn't be, and that was terrifying. Of course his son hadn't right out said that Sirius was dead, but James knew, he wasn't sure how but he was absolutely certain of this. He could almost feel Sirius absence; it left a ache in his chest right next to his heart. He tried not to think too much about it, to focus on the ache because it would only make him miserable. James couldn't not think about it, couldn't stop him from longing for the days before the war and the prophecy changed everything.

"James, dear, the guests will be arriving soon." Mrs. Weasley said quietly, coaxing him from where he was lost in his memories. "Lily is waiting for you, why don't you head on out back."

He blinked up at her for a moment, not quite seeing her. She smiled sympathetically at him and continued upstairs to get Ron and Harry, who went up some time ago to nap. James took only a small moment to gather himself and then made his way outside.

The Weasleys sure knew how to prepare for a party. The backyard was nothing like it had been that morning when he had gazed out the kitchen window. To the left of the back door and closer to the gate that led into the backyard was a table for gifts. To the right of the door was a large playpen for the younger kids. Directly in front of him, were two massive wooden tables that reminded him of those in the Great Hall. On the left side of the two massive tables was a floating gold canopy above a smaller table full of food. On the other end of the two large dining tables was another table. It was smaller than the one adjacent to it, on top of it was a large Hogwarts shaped cake in the center and two platters of treacle tarts on either side of the cake. There was another gold canopy above that table; James suspected there were bug repelling and temperature controlling spells on the canopies. In front of the two dining tables was a smaller circular one for Harry, the Weasley's and their closest friends and family. Lily was already seated at the table talking with Hermione and Ginny, she looked lively, her hands moving with her as she spoke.

The door opened and closed behind him as Mrs. Weasley, Harry and Ron walked out. Mrs. Weasley and Ron brushed past him and took their seats at the head table. Harry stayed behind and offered him a small smile.

> "Sorry if this is all too much, uh dad..."

James opened his mouth to respond but was caught off when a giggling child barreled into him on his way to Harry. He lost his balance and fell ungracefully on his ass while the kid landed safely in his son's arms.

"Happy Birthday uncle Harry." The child said excitedly his arms wrapping around Harry's neck.

"Thank you Teddy." Harry said, smiling down at the kid quite fondly.

"I got you a present! Open please!" Teddy exclaimed pointing towards a lumpy package he dropped in his hurry to hug Harry.

"You have to apologize to Grandpa James first since you ran into him." Harry scolded the boy, as James got back to his feet.

"Who?" The kid asked and looked around before stopping on him. "Uncle Harry you have a brother?"

"No, that's my dad Teddy, and he's who you have to apologize to."

"Okay, down."

James was only able to get a good look at Teddy after he was on his feet. His heart swelled and throbbed because the boy looked like a little Remus, though his eyes and nose were slightly different but not all that unfamiliar. Just knowing that Remus had a family made him beyond happy. A wife and a child was something he knew the werewolf had always secretly wanted, even if Remus believed he didn't deserve one. Here was proof that at least one of his friend's dreams came true. The kid came up to him blushing slightly, and effectively drew James away from his thoughts.

Teddy looked up at him with large eyes and said with a lisp, "Sorry Uncle Harry's daddy."

"I forgive you Teddy." James replied smiling, keeping his ears out for the sound of Remus' voice.

The kid smiled and ran towards the lumpy present and lugged it back to Harry.

"On I wonder what it could be." Harry said while prodding and shaking the gift.

He humored Teddy for a moment longer before opening the gift. Inside was a stuffed reindeer.

"Oh it's the best gift I've gotten all day!" Harry declared after staring at the stuffes animal for a minute.

"It's your pwatonis!" The kid said beaming happily and then he ran off towards the round table.

Laughter from behind James made him jump slightly, he turned to face the person who startled him and was surprised to see Andromeda Tonks. She smiled at him warmly before addressing Harry.

"I don't think he can tell there is a difference between a reindeer and a stag. I tried to show him but he's stubborn like his mother."

"His father was pretty stubborn too Andromeda." Harry quipped back with a smirk.

Harry smiled at him, hugged him for a second and walked off with Andromeda. James was hardly focused on that though, because he was too focused on the word "was". He could have easily been making too much out of what Harry said, but he couldn't find it in himself to believe that he was. James had to lean against the back of the house for support as the meaning of the word sank in. Remus was dead, he at some point after having his kid, had died. It made a sharp pang of sadness and loss build in his breast. James felt so terribly alone in that moment it brought tears to his eyes. He had came back to life, he was alive, but his best mates were gone forever. This was the fate of his closest friends- his brothers- two were dead and one was a traitor. He found himself longing for the days when the war was just a distant reality and the only thing he worried about was getting caught out during curfew before he could finish setting up his latest prank.

James was longing for the impossible.


	9. Part Five - Longing - Lily

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Five:**

_Longing_

_July 31st 1999 - Saturday - 2:30 p.m_

_Lily_

* * *

The conversation Lily and the girls were having had trailed off and ended a few minutes ago, and she found herself alone staring at the many plants that lined the fence enclosing the yard. Her mind drifted off into the memories of a time much sweeter and easier than now. Times where she spent hours laughing with her best mates after a long day of classes; times where she was unaware of the true cost of war, of loss. She longed, oh how she longed, for the brief time she had with her son, her baby, before everything came crashing down around her. Of course she was beyond happy that he was alive and just a few feet away from her, but it didn't mean she was okay. She had missed everything that happened to her baby in the seventeen years after she died, that it was hard for her face every moment with him now positively.

Lily had been lost in her thoughts longer than she thought because the next thing she knew the backyard was packed with people. Many she didn't recognize, but people like Minerva Mcgonagall who was talking with a tall black man who was dressed in expensive robes, or Slughorn who was pestering Ginny Weasley by the playpen stood out to her. Besides a few other familiar faces, Lily didn't recognize most of the guests and she was starting to feel overwhelmed.

After gathering every last bit of courage she possessed, Lily made her way into the sea of people. She was stopped by a few guests who shook her hand, welcomed her back to life,and smiled at her happily. A more memorable, short man, wearing a brightly covered top hat had gripped her hand too tightly as he shook her hand. He was telling her about how loved her Harry was by the wizarding world and how lucky they were that he was born. It was almost enough to send her running inside to hide for the rest of the night. Luckily she was able to push her way out the crowd to grab some food without much interruption after that. Hagrid and two unfamiliar young adults had seated themselves at the head table in her absence. Both of the two unfamiliar young adults had fair blonde hair; although the female had a darker shade than the male so Lily assumed they weren't closely related. She couldn't see much else of them but the back of their heads at the moment so she could be certain. Ron was bickering with a visibly annoyed Harry as she approached the table.

"Why the bloody hell is Malfoy sitting here?" Ron asked glaring at the blonde who was sitting across from him.

"Because," Harry said hotly. "It's a public  _statement Ron_ , we've been over this before."

"I know, but..."

Molly Weasley cut her son off with a look and then whispered, "Enough boys! You can have this argument at a different time."

Lily was noticed as she pulled out her chair next to Harry, who smiled at her before greeting Neville and Hannah as they took their own seats at the table. Only moments later James sat down on her other side; he looked as overwhelmed as she felt. She interlocked their fingers to ease her own anxiety and to comfort him. Andromeda Tonks took one of the last seats at the table a few minutes after James sat down, and helped a little boy into the seat between her and Harry.

"Uncle Harry, who's that?" The boy asked pointing towards Lily. "She's holding your daddy's hand."

Harry laughed and ruffled the boy's hair. "Teddybear that's my mom, why don't you introduce yourself to her?"

"Okay." He said then he leaned over Harry you was in between the two of them and held out his little hand. "I'm Edward Remus Lupin, but I like Teddy better! It's nice to meet you Harry's mommy!"

Lily smiled and shook his tiny hand. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, because she knew that the only reason Remus wasn't here with his son- and isn't that crazy- was because he wasn't able to be. She squeezed James' hand knowing that he must have realized this too. She gazed and their joined hands for a moment before looking up when she heard the others at the table greeting someone.A man who Harry called Bill and woman with beautiful silvery-blond hair sat down in the remaining two seats at the table. Lily was glad that she and James knew the majority of the people at the table, even if only by name.

"Harry," Mrs. Weasley said from her seat in front of him. "Introduce everyone to your parents."

Harry gaped at her, red flushing his cheeks; it seemed this never crossed his mind. He cleared his throat, glaring at the Malfoy boy who had started laughing at him and then turned to her and James and smiled sheepishly.

"Uh sorry." he said and gestured to Malfoy and the blond woman beside him. "Draco Malfoy and Luna Lovegood both of them are friends from Hogwarts."

"Potter I wouldn't exactly say we were friends during our school years." Draco said after choking on his butterbeer.

"Yes Harry," Luna said, her voice soft but still heard over the noise of the party. "You two never had a civil conversation until a few weeks after the Hogwarts restoration began."

Lily shared a looks with James, they both had another question to ask their son about what happened when they were dead.

Harry pointed to the woman next to the man named Bill and continued his introductions. "That's Fleur, she's married to Bill. He's the oldest Weasley child. And you've both met Neville and Hannah."

The next few hours were a blur for Lily. Once everyone had ate, the dining tables were moved elsewhere and a makeshift area for dancing and mingling was out in their place. People kept coming up to her and James and telling her all about the things Harry did since starting his first year at Hogwarts. Most of which she forgot about. However some things like how he was the tri-wizard champion, and how he was their savior stuck with her. She really had no time to think much about those things though because someone one else was there talking her something else. When it was finally time for cake, Lily was glad for the reprieve from the other guests.

After being back the tables, Arthur Weasley cut the cake and levitated the first piece to Harry's spot at the table, followed by a whole plate of treacle tarts. Then he sent a piece of cake to every occupied seat.

"Before you all dig in let's sing happy birthday!" Mrs. Weasley said her voice rang out above the rest. "On three."

After that embarrassing and loud ordeal was over, Mr as Mrs Weasley grabbed their own pieces of cake and made their way back to their seats. The next thirty or so minutes after the cake cutting were much like the first few hours of the party. By the time Molly Weasley said that Harry would be opening gifts, Lily was ready to be alone. She had just overheard a conversation Neville had with Ron about Harry and a basilisk and she wasn't taking that very well. It took her ridiculously long to reach her seat by Harry at the head table so he could open his gifts since she was so out of it.

Harry had received many things from his guests, the most memorable items were a toilet seat from George Weasley (he had laughed so hard he ended up crying) and a box of chocolate frog cards from Ron (They were all Harry Potter cards).

"Oi Ron, did you leave me any of the chocolate frogs?" Harry said moodily after he had opened all his gifts.

"Yeah, it's buried under all the cards." Hermione answered for her boyfriend.

"Uncle Ron I gotta better gift than you." Teddy said smugly and pointed at the stuffed reindeer in her son's arms. "Its his pwatnis."

"His patronus isn't a reindeer it's a stag." Ron said immaturely, sticking his tongue out at Teddy.

"He's only three Ron, how is he going to know the difference?" Hermione asked pointedly, glaring at the redhead.

Harry watched the exchange with an amused smile on his face. The trio shared a long look and then the three of them were laughing. After a moment Lily found herself laughing too. For the first time since the party started Lily was actually enjoying herself. A bit of the negative emotions she had been feeling dissipated.

Later, James pulled her into the mass of dancing bodies, pushing through until they were in the less populated corner by the gate that led farther into the Weasley property. Held close in her husband's arms, the rest of her worries slipped away, and all that mattered was that endless moment suspended in time.


	10. Part Six - Anger - Harry

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Six:**

_Anger_

_August 1st 1999 - Sunday - 9:00 a.m_

_Harry_

* * *

The next morning Harry woke up earlier than normal. He quietly made his way downstairs and into the kitchen so he wouldn't wake his parents who had fallen asleep on the couch last night after his birthday party ended. Molly was sitting in the kitchen with Arthur, the Daily Prophet laying open in between them. The headline caught his attention immediately.

**LILY AND JAMES POTTER RESURRECTED WITH DARK MAGIC?**

"Can I have that?" He asked with a nod towards the paper on the table.

"Oh! How long have you been there?" Arthur asked startled, his mug of tea halfway to his lips.

"Not long, I just woke up." Harry answered quietly and took a seat at the end of the table.

"You don't look like you slept well. Have a cuppa before you start stressing out over the Daily Prophet." Molly said while pouring tea into a mug for him. She took her time preparing it how he liked it before setting the steaming mug in front of him.

"Thank you." He muttered and sipped the steaming liquid. The next twenty or so minutes were filled with the mindless chatter and quiet laughter that usually accompanied breakfast at the Burrow. Now being significantly more awake, Harry reached forward and grabbed the newspaper. His eyes fell onto the front page headline with disgust.

"I should have known they'd jump at a chance to write a nasty article about me." Harry muttered to himself.

"Can I read that after you?" His dad said walking sleepily into the kitchen followed by an equally sleepy Lily. They both settled into seats in front of him after greeting Molly and Arthur. Harry stared at the article without seeing what was written for a long moment. He took a deep breath and pushed away a rising anger he wasn't aware was there until then.

"You'd think that after I fucking saved their ungrateful asses they'd stop stooping so low to writing trash pieces." He growled. "This pisses me off more than I wish it did."

Molly didn't bother to reprimand him for cursing because she knew it would push him over the edge. Lily simply rose an eyebrow knowing full well there was just too much she didn't understand. James watched his son closely as Harry sat stiffly, his body tense with anger.

"You don't have to read it. It'll just upset you." Arthur suggested, even if he knew it was pointless, Harry would read it regardless if it would upset him.

Harry closed his eyes and let his anger simmer away, he knew better than to react to what was in the Daily Prophet. It wouldn't help any. Not that it never hurt, but he learned over the years that staying angry over a dumb article would only ruin his day. Opening his eyes, Harry took another deep breath before actually reading the article.

**LILY AND JAMES POTTER RESURRECTED WITH DARK MAGIC?**

_Just yesterday morning the wizarding world learned that late Friday night James and Lily Potter were legally announced alive. Of course this was surprising news as the couple has been dead for more than ten years. I'm sure I don't need to explain the events that led to their tragic end. The auror department is still tight lipped about the details but a source tells us that the couple was found after the department became aware of strange happenings in Godric's Hollow. Conveniently The-Boy-Who-Lived was one of the aurors sent to investigate. Which is quite fishy indeed. The main questions readers have been asking though is: how? The resurrection of the Potters is still a mystery and experts in the area speculate that Harry Potter may have dipped into dark magic to bring them back to life._

_Larry McKibben who works as a researcher on this topic sat down with me for an interview. (turn to page 4 for the full interview) "As far as I know every ritual and spell created to raise the dead doesn't work. Besides creating inferi there is no other way to animate the dead. Anyone who was at young Potter's birthday celebration could attest that the Potters were definitely not inferius. My guess is that Potter found a unknown ritual or spell in a book or journal from the Black library." McKibben explained when I asked him if he had an idea how Mr. Potter may have resurrected his parents. Of course we can only speculate if it was Harry who resurrected Lily and James Potter; but Harry is the only person alive who would have any desire to perform such magic. "The kind of power that you would need to resurrect someone… Lets just say there is only one person alive who has that power. That person is Harry. We all know he's a parselmouth, a known dark trait, it wouldn't surprise me if he did dip into this kind of dark magic." McKibbon said when asked if he believed if Mr. Potter was the one to resurrect Lily and James._

Harry stopped reading there, he couldn't force himself to read anymore. He threw the paper down on the table with an angry huff. "It sounds like something Rita Skeeter would write." He said after a moment of tense silence. "Which means it's absolutely crap and everyone will believe it."

"Wasn't Rita Skeeter a few years behind us?" Lily asked James, who just shrugged in response.

He was already reading through the article. Lily started to read it over his shoulder, and it was obvious how unhappy it made them. When they were done reading the whole article Lily and James were pale and shaking in anger.

"Do they write things like that a lot?" Lily asked, her eyes never leaving the newspaper.

"Unfortunately." Molly said with an edge of bitterness in her voice.

"This is a first in a long time though." Arthur added.

James who seemed too shocked to say anything for a minute turned to face Harry before asking. "Are you really a parselmouth?"

Harry couldn't stop himself from laughing. For a brief moment the tension left the kitchen. It returned with Harry's reply. "I was.." He answered not meeting his dad's eyes. "But not anymore."

The kitchen was quiet for a moment. Harry spent this time sorting through his emotions. He could feel a knot of uneasiness in his stomach. It made it hard to swallow and Harry just hoped that his dad wouldn't hate him for being a parselmouth, even if it was gained through a part of Voldemort's soul. He felt a bit ridiculous for worrying over this, but he couldn't help it. He was a few seconds away from a panic attack when James spoke again.

"I see… Okay I don't, but I'm sure it's something you'll explain eventually." He trailed off after sharing a look with Lily.

"Really Harry, whatever the story is about that, we won't judge you… Take your time." Lily said, her voice becoming more hesitant the longer she spoke.

"Thanks." Harry replied halfheartedly. "I promise I'll explain it later."

After breakfast he spent the next two hours with Ginny before she needed to return to her team's training facility. The couple was only interrupted once when Hermione made Harry send a letter to Professor McGonagall. When it was time for Ginny to leave, he walked her to the edge of the property and the anti-apparation ward. The couple shared a kiss before going separate ways; Harry made his way to the kitchen for an early lunch, and Ginny to her team. He got comfortable in the living room with a plate of sandwiches. His parents were playing wizard's chess with Ron's old set in the corner of the room by the fireplace. They didn't pay him much attention when he walked in the room, which pleased Harry greatly. He just needed some time to himself. He was halfway through his last sandwich when an owl he vaguely recognized flew into the room through the open window and landed on the cluttered coffee table in front of him. Harry untied the letter from the owl's leg and gave it the last bite of his sandwich; the owl then spread its wings and flew off without waiting for a reply.

He absentmindedly broke the wax seal on the envelope and carefully pulled the thick parchment out. He had only written Professor McGonagall earlier that day so he was surprised to hear back from her so quickly. It felt like a bad omen. Harry's heart raced as he unfolded the letter. He reread the first line without processing it three times before his mother drew his attention.

"Harry? Are you okay?" She asked and sat down at the other end of the couch.

Looking up at his mother, he smiled and answered. "I'm fine. I asked McGonagall to talk to Albus for me about, well, you. And this," He held up the letter. "Is what he said on the matter."

"Do you think Dumbledore will know how we got here..." James asked accidently knocking down a few pieces on the chessboard.

His mom nodded and whispered something to James which Harry couldn't hear. A light blush coated his dad's cheeks making Lily smile. Harry watched on with a smile on his face. After a moment he looked away from the couple and began reading the letter.

_Harry,_

_I spoke with Albus for you, he had much to say. Most of which I felt should not be passed along through a letter. Albus agreed, he said it would be best to relay the information to you in person. If you have the time it would be best if you could bring your parents to my office sometime today._

_I would also like to inform you that your guest lecture for the Defense Against the Dark Arts has been scheduled for the fifteenth of September. Both Mr. Malfoy and I are excited for the lecture you've planned for the students this term._

_Best regards,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

"So, what did Professor Dumbledore say?" His mother asked hesitantly.

"Does he have any ideas about how we're here?" His father asked, moving to sit next to his mother.

Harry took his time answering, already dreading the potential meeting with the portrait. "He would like us to talk with him in person. If you'd like, we can go after I send out a letter requesting the day off of work."

"That sounds fine." James answered, Lily nodded in agreement.

"Okay." Harry mutters, as he pulls a pre-cut piece of parchment closer to the end of the table closest to him.

The living room fell into an awkward silence as he dipped the nib of his quill in the ink pot. He carefully wrote out the request, taking care to make sure his writing was legible and the the ink did not blot. His dark brown barn owl, Flamel, named after the Nicholas Flamel, flew into the room from upstairs after he whistled for him. He stroked his feathers gently as he sealed the letter with wax. Harry's heart sped up as he watched his owl fly off.

"Come on then, I guess we better go." Harry spoke, his voice sounding too loud in the quiet too. His heart was still beating rapidly with nerves as he gestured towards the front door.

Now that he was going to go get answers, Harry was overcome with anxiety. He wasn't sure he really wanted answers.

He led his parents past the antiapparition wards. Once they were behind a large tree that would hide them from any watching muggles, he turned to face his parents.

"You both are okay to apparate right?" He asked, before adding, "Sorry I should have thought about this before we came out here."

"I'm not sure, we haven't tried yet..." His mother answered, looking unsure.

To appease her, Harry said. "That's alright, you can side along with me."

He didn't give them a chance to reply verbally. Once their arms were linked, and his parents has a right hold on each arm, he twisted on the spot. After the sickeningly familiar sensation was over, and both his parents were able to settle their stomachs, they made their way through hogsmeade and to the gate leading into the castle grounds.

As they stepped through the gates, Harry's body tensed. Flashes of memories from the battle flickered in his mind, bringing a solemn look to his face. While he got used to being back on Hogwarts grounds when he helped repair the damage that happened during the battle, he still couldn't stop the memories from resurfacing. He paused at the war memorial that stood tall in the center of the courtyard before the front entrance to the school. It's smooth obsidian reflecting the sunlight into their eyes. Harry approached the magically carved stone tree, eyes landing on the familiar names of those lost during the battle that were etched onto its surface. The names were displayed in brilliant gold. Solemnly, Harry lay one hand upon the stone and gently caressed the names of those he knew with the other. Then he gave himself a moment to grieve amd to remember like he did every time he entered the castle grounds.

Lily's eyes fell onto the names in gold, recognizing many names, one of which was of her former childhood friend. Despite the fact that they hadn't talked for years before she died, she let herself feel for his death. She gripped her husband's hand tightly as she watched her son's silent vigil towards those he lost. James held her hand just as tightly. His grip became almost painful when his eyes fell onto the names: Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin. So his old friend married. He spared a moment of happiness but the feeling of loss built in his chest. For both the death of his close friend but also the time he missed while he was dead. Part of his grief was detached. He hadn't really known the Remus and Sirius who died. He would feel thay Lily understood this without either of them having to speak. They were going through the same thing after all.

"Sorry, it's become a habit everytime i visit to, well.." Harry trailed off, not finding the right word. "Let's go, McGonagall is waiting for us."

The walk to the headmistresses office took longer than usual since Harry was stopped by a portrait or two along the way. They stopped at the gargoyle who guarded the stairs leading to the headmistresses office.

"I didn't get the password from her." Harry mumbled to himself. "What could it be, if it were Albus this would be much easier..."

"Potter!" The deep timber of Draco Malfoy's voice startled Harry. "What are you doing here?"

"Ah, Malfoy, I was supposed to meet Minerva today but I didn't get the password from her..."

"It's victory, the password I mean." Draco said licking his lips nervously, and gave James and Lily a small smile. "Hey, did McGonagall tell you the date for your guest lecture?"

Harry nodded, before he said. "She did, I also already gave her my plan for it."

"Good. The students look forward to your lecture, annoying as you are, I'll admit you would be a great teacher."

"Did Draco Malfoy just compliment someone? The world must be ending." Harry joked, a smirk on his face,

"Shove it Potter." Draco quipped back. "I can still kick your ass."

"Alright, alright, whatever floats your boat Draco."

Draco playfully pushed Harry towards the gargoyle and said. "Don't keep Minerva waiting, she'll have me by the toes of she finds out I kept you."

Shaking his head In amusement, Harry looked back at his parents who were watching his and Draco's conversation in interest. He smiled at them and whispered the password to the gargoyle. As they waited for the steps to stop moving, his mother cleared her throat, fidgeting with the sleeve of her robe.

"He's a bit young to be a professor isn't he?" She asked after a moment of deliberation.

"He's a teaching assistant for the current professor. It has to do with his probation. He's good at teaching though. When Slughorn retires in a few years he'll probably take his place as potions professor." Harry explained, before leading them up the now unmoving staircase.

They trio went up the stairs quietly. They all were lost in their own heads. Harry knocked three times on the door when they reached the top.

"Come in Harry." McGonagall called from her desk where she was looking over a few pieces of parchment.

His mother gasped, her eyes wide as she met the portrait of Albus' eyes. She hadn't wanted to believe that he was dead, even though it was mentioned sometime last night. Dumbledore always seemed invincible, it was shocking to realize he wasn't. James held her hand tightly, and smiled sadly at the portrait of the old man.

"Albus, you're doing well I assume." Harry said politely, he wasn't smiling.

When it came to Albus Dumbledore Harry felt many thing. Primarily anger at the man who manipulated his life. Good intentions or not, the man led him to his eventual death. It wasn't something he'd get over soon.

Albus smiled, his eyes twinkling despite the seriousness of the pending conversation. "Ah Harry, I heard you passed your evaluation. Congratulations, my boy. You'd be doing me a great service if you would relay this to Mr. Weasley as well." His expression turned more somber. "Though, that isn't why you are here. Why don't we get down to business then."

Harry already felt a bubble of irritation rise as he listened to the former headmaster speak. He hid a smile behind his hand as Phineas Black said something rather vulgar to Albus.

"I'm sure you remember Harry, the events that took place between you and Tom Riddle your fourth year." Albus paused, waiting for Harry to respond affirmatively. "When your wands connected, that magic interconnected with the magic brought on by your mother's death. This magic which was already adapting to the changes Peter Pettigrew caused by using your blood for the ritual that gave Tom a body once more. The magic which could no longer protect you in the way it was intended began to reverse and in the process began to bring your mother back to life. This process would have originally taken much longer if you hadn't been hit with the killing curse a second time during the battle that took place here at Hogwarts. The killing curse did not just kill the horcrux in you, it gave the magic resurrecting your mother the power it needed to complete the process sooner."

"What about my dad? That doesn't explain why he's here too."

"I can only speculate Harry. I believe that when Lily was resurrected she must have unconsciously wished for James' own resurrection. The magic that was left inside her must have reacted and in minutes did what took it years to do for your mother, and brought your father back to life."

"Does that mean anyone else could come back if she wished it?" Harry asked his voice full with an unknown emotion.

"I'm afraid not, my boy. The magic would have exhausted itself and and remnants would have been siphoned back into the earth until it was gone."

The portrait's explanation left Harry exhausted, and angry. It was too much. Irritation bubbled up in Harry's stomach. He still had this weird mix of respect and anger towards Albus, and it clogged up his head making it hard to settle his temper.

"Are you saying, that you not knew i had to die, but that you knew my parents would be resurrected when I did?" Harry asked, unable to keep the venom out of his voice.

"Harry! What are you talking abou?" His mother questioned, shocked by both Harry's tone and by the words he spoke.

"Lily, it's alright my dear." Albus appeased the woman, before looking at the scowling teen. "Harry, I only had my suspicions but I wasn't sure anything would come about it..."

Harry cut him off as he said sharply, "You never could just tell me anything, could you? You had to have it all go according to your plan, didn't you. We all were your living chess pieces, playing apart in a game that only you knew the rules of." His voice rose with every word.

The anger continued to rise build up, he was seeing red. Harry knew nothing good could come out of it if he stayed there. His temper always had disastrous consequences. His knuckles ached as he clenched his fists tightly. Letting out a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. He smiled apologetically, though the expression didn't reach his eyes.

"Sorry, I'm going to go cool off before my temper gets the best of me." Harry spit out and stomped out of the room.

The dam broke. Every emotion he had felt up to that point, since he found his parents in front of their ruined home, was now spilling out uncontrollably. Unable to focus on each emotion individually, Harry unconsciously focused on the easiest to feel: anger.

Anger pumped through his veins, and his heart seemed to beat with it. Even with his mind in a haze of red, Harry was a able to navigate the halls of Hogwarts with ease. Once he was outside, he let out the string of curse words he'd been holding back from saying while in the presence of Minerva and his mother. With each word, emotions that had been steadily building up since the night he found his parents came to the surface.

Harry was angry. Angry that his parents were resurrected; that they had to be resurrected. He was angry he had to grow up with abusive family because they were killed. That his whole life was always being controlled by someone else. He was angry at himself because he hated that strangers that shouldn't be strangers were alive when his family, the Lupins, Fred and Sirius were not. There was anger at the world, and at the anger itself. It was irrational, and uncontrollable and that made Harry even angrier.

He felt like he was going crazy. The random urge to scream at everything that was just wrong overwhelmed him. So he screamed. By the time he was done, his voice was gone, his eyes red and crusty with tears and his bones ached with exhaustion and he didn't feel any better.


	11. Part Seven - Sorrow - James

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Seven:**

_ Sorrow  _

_ August 7th 1999 - Saturday - 1:00 p.m  _

James

* * *

To come back to life, years after he died, frankly sucked. It was easy at first, for James Potter to push back everything he didn't want to face into a dark corner of his mind and forget about it. It was harder to pretend that everything would be okay, but it was still manageable. For a little while at least. Not long enough though, but ultimately it was unavoidable because he was not alone facing these things. And for better or worse they all, he, Lily and his son had to face them at some point. That point just came sooner than later. There was a large part of James that had been desperate to know what he missed while he was dead. There was so much he wanted to know, that he needed to know to understand. He died because at the time it was the only way to protect what was most important to him. Now he wanted to know what happened, he needed to know the reason for that  _ something _ in his son’s green eyes that made them seem so old. There was a small but more callus and selfish part of him, the part which knew his best friends more than his son, wanted to know how their lives went on without him in it. It was vain and horrible, and James hated himself for feeling this way, but, the truth of the matter was that he didn’t know his son. He only got a year of his son's life before he died. A year in which he was still too young to be anything more than a extension of his parents. None of this changes that he loves his son desperately, and that that love hurts more than anything now when that love doesn't seem to matter much. That love doesn't change that he died and left his precious son alone. He was lucky enough that he had Lily with him, even if only figuratively. His son however was left without his parents, and James had a sinking feeling that told him that Harry did not have the life he and Sirius planned for him in case something had happened to him and Lily. This feeling had only made the desperation to know, to understand worse. There was just so much he wanted to know, that he missed in his son’s life. He already could tell that what he would learn about Harry’s life, was not what he wished, what he hoped, when he turned his back on his wife and son and faced his murderer.

After the meeting with the portrait of Albus Dumbledore, and Harry’s inevitable breakdown, James and Lily with help from Mcgonagall went back to the Burrow. None of the Weasley’s seemed too surprised over his son’s breakdown. It was Ron who told them that Harry had a volatile temper, though it only was this bad when he didn’t face his emotions. His son’s best friend explained that Harry was most likely at Grimmauld Place and he would undoubtedly cool off in a few days and explain himself. The following Saturday, six days after they last saw Harry, he had done just that. His son had sat them down in the kitchen of the Burrow since he had yet to show him and Lily to Grimmauld Place. Harry made a pot of calming draught laced tea, and set it with a tin of biscuits on the table. He looked just as much troubled to be telling the story of his life as James and Lily looked to be hearing it. 

“I asked to use the calming draught laced tea because what I’ll be telling you won't be easy.” Harry began, his expression was haunted. “For any of us. It's not all bad, but if we could get through this without any of us having another breakdown it would be easier.”

James was starting to feel like he may not be ready for this. Lily however had a look in her eyes, one that was a mix of determination and resignation and it made his stomach roll. It was the look on her face when he turned to face Voldemort. She knew something, kr figured something out and from the looks of it he wouldn't like it very much. 

“It would be best if I started from what happened that night you two died.” 

The words made his head spin. _ How could he know anything about that? He was only a baby, there’s no way he could, he couldn’t remember that night, could he? _ James wasn't aware that he had voiced some of these questions out loud. It was only the sound of Lily’s subdued sobbing that made him realize that he missed whatever his son just said. 

“What?” He blurted, adding as an afterthought. “I didn’t catch that.”

Harry grimaced, and repeated what he said earlier. “I saw it, the night you died, through  _ his _ eyes.” 

“Merlin No!” 

He wasn’t sure who said it, him or Lily. It could have been both. James just knew that he wanted nothing more in that moment to make Harry forget just that one memory. He would do anything so that the night where he died, no, when he was murdered, would not haunt his son while he slept. It just wasn't possible to do that without hurting his son; and he doubted he'd be able to point his wand at his son to do so. James took a long drink of the laced tea, it was only the beginning and he was already crying.

“Are you ready to go on?” Harry whispered, he was on the verge of tears himself.

Lily nodded answering for the both of them. She pulled Harry close to her in an embrace, his son froze for a millisecond before he relaxed in his mother's arms. When the two pulled apart, there was an odd look on Harry’s face and while he couldn't fully decipher it, it still broke James’s heart. Harry shouldn’t be so amazed by his mother comforting him, it shouldn’t the first time he relied on either of them, but it was and they all had to learn to deal with it.

“After he kill, after he killed you dad…” Harry gathered himself for a few seconds, before he continued. “He went upstairs and faced mum. He gave her a choice. Only because he wanted to give Snape a gift for telling him of the prophecy and he asked him to spare mum, and well she refused and chose to die for me. I'm not sure why it how but her love and death laid some protection over me, and it would reverse the killing curse.  _ He _ didn't die, but he was gone for now. The protection still lived on in me. This protection would be strengthened and I would be hidden as long as i considered a place with mum’s blood home.” 

“You lived with Petunia? No! Why didn’t SIrius...” Lily couldn't seem to get the rest of the words out. 

“Dumbledore didn’t know you switched secret keepers and the ministry and everyone thought he gave you up to Voldemort. Sirius probably could have explained it to Albus but he went after  _ that rat _ first. Peter, he, he got one over on Sirius and faked his death, killing twelve muggles in the process and escaped. Sirius, he lost it I guess and they found him cackling like a madman saying how he killed you guys and he was sent to azkaban without a trial.” 

“Did he die in there?” Lily asked, her voice just above a whisper. 

“He didn’t, he escaped, but I’ll get to that later.” Harry said, meeting James’s eyes; it hadn't really sunk in yet for him. 

The story continued, and as they went on, it seemed to become easier to listen even if he didn't quite process it If he didn’t think too much while his son spoke. James listened, trying to ignore the pain in his chest that made him ache to his bones, but as his son went on it became increasingly harder to ignore that pain. Lily was clenching his hand so tight he was starting to lose circulation in his fingers but he hardly cared. The only thing he cared about in that moment was his son, his beautiful son, who went through too much because of some stupid prophecy. And he had to do it without the support of his father. Without his mother. It just wasn’t fair, James wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, not even on Voldemort himself.

There were parts of his son’s story, as he and Lily asked Harry to go in as much detail as possible, that they laughed with him, parts they teased him about, and parts that warmed their hearts. However as the story went on, it happened less and less. That ache that James could feel in his chest became so much it burned. When they reached his son’s fifth year James was teetering on the edge of a cliff. The calming draught only doing so much to dull the dam of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.

“He fell. Oh god, Sirius fell. It was my fault. If I hadn’t been so, so, stupid, he wouldn’t have died. I’m so sorry dad.” 

His son was sobbing, and it hurt. It hurt so bad to know his son blamed himself for this. James let out a strangled sob of his own and pulled his son into his arms. He couldn’t let him think that he was to blame for Sirius’ death any longer. Merlin, the Sirius who cherished every little part of Harry from the moment he was born would have never wanted Harry to believe this. He would have wanted Harry to know just how much he loved him and how far he'd go to be there for him. How he wouldn't hesitate to die for him if it meant Harry could live. James’s voice was hard as he told his son that the only one who was to blame for Sirius’ death was Bellatrix and Sirius’ own action. His son was crying with him, clinging so desperately to his shirt, relishing in the warmth and safety that was his father’s embrace for the first time. In that moment it didn’t matter to either of them that they had been separated for more than ten years, the only thing that mattered was that they were father and son. When they both got a semblance of control over their emotions they separated, both looking more than a little embarrassed. 

After making another pot of calming draught laced tea Harry continued telling his story. His words were spoken a bit too fast as he explained to them how he learned about horcruxes. How he and  Dumbledore went to the cave, and the man's eventual death the same night. How was truly broke out once again. How he and his two friends went searching for the remaining horcruxes. With each word his son spoke the burning ache in his chest got worse. James’ breathing became labored. He was sure his grip on his wife’s hand was just as painfully tight as hers was. He was barely aware of her own reaction to their son’s story and he felt bad. But he could hardly help it, his own emotions were too much that he couldn't focus on hers as well as his own. Her grip on his hand made James believe that at least it was the same for his wife.

“I didn’t see it happen. It was only after the bodies had been moved into the Great Hall. She had came back for him, Tonks I mean. She couldn’t let Remus fight without her. How will little Teddy forgive me? His father died fighting for me, with me, whatever. I know they were fighting for him too, but if I had just figured it out sooner...” His son was crying so hard it took him awhile to say anything clearly. “They named me godfather and this is how I repaid them. Merlin…”

James had no words to say to ease his son’s pain. Neither did Lily apparently, and when they both reached out to him at Harry shied away from their touch. His son looked so broken, and a little shocked, he likely never meant to say all of that. 

“Remus had so much he wished to show you. He always said he wanted to pass on our love of reading to you. He always used to joke that Sirius and James would get you in enough trouble without his help, that he would have to be a balancing force.” Lily said after a moment, her words urgent. “We all loved you so very much Harry, all of us. And we would all do anything to make sure you lived. Don’t blame yourself for their deaths They wouldn’t want that, we don't want that. We just wanted you to be able to live and find happiness. I'm sure Remus knows that his son will be fine in your care. Otherwise he wouldn't have named you godfather. If you can't believe in anything else believe that.” 

James wouldn’t have been able to say it any better. Even though he was grieving over the loss of his brothers, because his best friends were more than just that, he didn’t want his son to ever hurt like he was now. He knew better though, because the deaths of both Remus and Sirius and the betrayal of Peter were weighing his heart down and he felt like he was drowning. If it was this bad, this painful for James, he could only imagine what his son was feeling. When his emotions were first hand, not this annoyingly distant feeling of loss that James was feeling.

Merlin, James wished more than anything, that his son could have had a better life. The life James wanted for him. But there wasn’t anything anyone could do,  _ anything James could do. _

James had failed Harry as his father. 

Nothing could change that. 


	12. Part Seven - Sorrow - Lily

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Seven:**

_ Sorrow  _

_ August 7th 1999 - Saturday - 1:00 p.m  _

Lily

* * *

Lily had been impatient to hear her son's story. She thought she could handle it. She thought the understanding she would gain of her son through it would be worth any pain she would feel. It was, but she didn't fully realize just how much it would hurt to hear Harry’s story. From the start, she was unprepared for the life that lay ahead for her precious baby. She managed better than her husband, but just barely. That was until her son got to the point where the war broke out fully. Then she was a mess, and she hardly could believe that things could get worse until they did.

“He’d been protecting me all that time. Even if he hated me,  _ the idea of me. _ Snape became everything he wasn’t, everything he never wanted to be, so I could live. Even if he was a right old git, he saved me on more than one occasion. I never knew of a braver man. He might have not been a good one, and I won't ever feel anything other than dislike towards him, I can respect what he did for me. Or I guess for you mum.” 

Lily was already a mess at this point, but these last few sentences numbed her from the inside. Severus, her best friend since childhood, he had loved her all that time. Part of her was sickened by it, the part that couldn't forgive him and hated the person he became. But, there was a part of her that loved him like a brother, that wished that she could do more than hate the man that gave up nearly everything to save a boy he hated.These conflicted thoughts brought more tears. Her eyes were sore already from crying and she could tell that her face was wet with both tears and snot. She was always a messy crier. Lily couldn't take anymore of this. But there was more, and she knew that what was coming was much, much worse. 

She knew she would not be able to handle it.  _ Her baby, oh god her baby, _ had been through too much. Her friends, her family, they were all destroyed, and there was so much she had yet to learn. The pain and sorrow ripped through her veins like a poison. Every inch of her burned with it. How had her son been able to deal with all this when she was already drowning in it. He must have been ripped apart by it. No matter how much she’d eventually understand about her son, she’s never be able to touch upon the darkness in his beautiful eyes, her eyes. The look of despair on his face, the tightness of his jaw, and the wetness of his cheeks would haunt her dreams in the nights to come.

“I knew after watching his memories what I had to do. What I was.” Harry was shaking, his eyes lost in the past. “I was his last horcrux. I had to die. Part of me was ready to die. I would have been able to be with you all again.” 

His words shattered Lily’s heart. There were no words to explain how her world shifted in that second. She gazed at her son, her baby son, who wasn't really a baby at all, and wished she could do something, anything to take away his pain and his sorrow. She wouldn’t care if it killed her to take it from him, she just wish he never had to feel anything like it ever. To make matters worse, he wasn’t done. Harry’s story wasn’t over. Lily had no idea what to do. 

She was helpless, and she hated every bit of it. 

A mother should be able to protect her son, and she couldn't, she didn’t. How could she even call herself his mother. She had died. Lily never had a chance to be there for him. She wasn’t anything more than stranger to her own son. She failed, and that pain could never be forgotten. 

“Neville was so brave, his parents would be proud, if they could be. If I could only change one thing, I would give Neville his parents back. I have you guys now, that if I couldn't do anything I'd give him a chance to have his back too.” Her son admitted, though it seemed to surprise Harry just as much as it did her.

Lily’s son, he was so selfless. Even while curled into himself crying his eyes out he was thinking of someone else. Lily couldn’t have been prouder, but she could only hold that swell of pride in her chest for so long. The overwhelming pain she was feeling, that sorrow that felt so close but not close enough to her heart swept it away. It was still there, just out of reach.

“I remember facing him. I expected there to be hate, to be anger, but I could only bring myself to pity him. After everything he did, I couldn’t truly hate him in the end.” Harry explained, his voice rising with his intensity. “I felt so many bad thing about Voldemort, I still do, but I don’t think I can really hate him. We aren't too different, Tom and I after all, if you look at the core of each us.”

Everything else after that seemed to blur into the rest. The words seemed to pass by her; they hadn’t really sunk in yet. When he was done speaking, the silence made this so much more real. The pain swept into her veins with a renewed vigor, and she was made sick by it. Her face was sticky with tears and snot, and her hair was sticking up in every direction, she was a mess. Lily couldn’t believe she’d been dying to know this for days. Honestly, she would have been better off waiting. Everything still felt so new and foreign, and this new knowledge was a heavy burden. For everyone, not just Harry who was miraculously not crippled by the weight of it. 

“Harry! Look at me!” She said, not caring that she was sobbing. “Please look at me.” 

Harry’s dull eyes mirrored Lily's as he hesitantly met her eyes. 

“I’m so proud of you. You are the bravest, most amazing person I know. I don’t have the words to explain how proud I am to be your mother.”  She said, her eyes shining with the intensity of her emotions. 

She might not know how to deal with this knowledge, but this is one thing she knew that would never change. She loves her son and she was proud of the person he was, all his faults and all his strengths, she loves them all.

Lily may not be able to forgive herself for failing Harry as a mother, but she was proud to be his. 

 


	13. Part Eight - Grief - Harry

**Desperation**

* * *

**Part Eight:**

_ Grief  _

_ August 7th 1999 - Saturday - 6:00 p.m  _

Harry __

* * *

After telling his parents about his life. Even things he never told anyone else.Harry left the Burrow, needing to be alone so he could recollect himself and just be, while he worked through everything. He staggered into Sirius’ room in Grimmauld Place, and fell onto the unchanged bed and curled into himself. The only comfort was the familiarity of the room, Harry hadn't changed anything in it, even when he, Ron and Hermione completely refurbished the house during the months that immediately followed the final battle. The feel of his own beating heart was soothing in its own way, it anchored him. His emotions were drowning him, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to save him from them. Everything hurt all at once, and tears wouldn’t stop falling. Harry hadn’t really felt it until now. The guilt, the pain, and even the good things like joy and love he held for everyone that he lost. There was no denying that he felt it now, the grief. Because, he realized, grief wasn't just the loss of the good things it was the abundance of all the bad things.

It was really too much. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

It would be okay though, in time, because his heart was still beating.

And if he tried, he could feel the warmth of his parent’s arms, the love in the tightness of Sirius’, and pride in Remus’ as they embraced him.

It helped Harry be strong in the face of of an immeasurable amount of pure emotion, of grief. It also gave him the strength to wake up the next morning and face the new day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Your thoughts an opinions are always welcome.
> 
> xoxo
> 
> Haley


End file.
